I never cease to marvel at the coincidences this blog throws up. I haven't been here in over a month, and on the day I finally muster up the drive, I see a comment from Suze that's less than a day old.
I don't want to stop blogging. As I've said before, this place is the only outlet I have to freely speak my mind. I don't have any IRL friends outside of family members. Unfortunately, things have gotten difficult lately … for reason I don't actually understand.
The COVID lockdown has had a strange effect on me. I mentioned before, that I was routinely getting phone calls from rellies who felt lonely and isolated, and just wanted to have a chinwag. My feelings are the total opposite. The less contact I've had with people, the less contact I've wanted to have with people. It's gotten to the point now where speaking on the phone—or even just writing an email—feels like climbing a fucking mountain.
I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. All I want to do is write computer code and tinker with machines.
I don't know if it's hormonal. I don't know if it's got something to do with the fact that I'll most probably be moving in with my folks sometime next year. I don't know if I'm just turning into a cranky old bitch as I get older. But I know that something's shifted. And I don't like it. But I don't know how to make it stop either.
I feel the way I feel. That's all there is to it.
Anyway, at this point, I intend to try forcing things back to normal—regardless of how miserable it makes me in the short term.
That means checking in here daily, and posting weekly. I'm even thinking of forcing myself to do a weekly doodle … but that might be pushing things too far.
On the other hand, I have been thinking that I'd like to learn 3D modelling, as a way of quickly slapping together perspective-accurate models/guides/layouts/etc when sketching. Maybe I could post about that. Unfortunately, I can't imagine anyone here would find that overly interesting, so there's that to consider.
Hmmm … we'll see, I guess. Any thoughts?
P.S. The new Blogger dashboard has obviously been designed for phones and tablets, and is a complete cunt to use on a desktop computer. The new HTML editor is nice though.
3 comments :
Much sympathy. You are not the only one. My husband works for a software company and has been working from home since we got back from our holiday in Thailand. The more time he spends at home, the more he seems to resent having to leave it. Unless we are heading out to a meal or to visit friends. Or to get out and exercise out of town. I've asked several times if he wouldn't like to see more people or get out more, or go to the office one day a week, because for me, the kind of "home sticking" that he's doing is a symptom of depression, and if it wasn't for me, and the fact that he's walking 7km each day by the creek, I'd be really concerned.
I'm glad you are trying to force yourself out of it though because it's not healthy to be that isolated from people. Are you sure you are just hermiting and not actually depressed? I mean, considering all the shit going down this year, and the iso, and the news, it would not be a surprise. Take care of yourself, won't you? <3
Also, I love your doodles, so would be happy to see anything you manage to output.
I identify with the desire to do your own thing though. I really resent having to go to work now. Honestly I've been wondering how I can drag a few more years out of myself before retirement. One of my ex-colleagues just started calling in sick one day every week because our employer refuses to let us work part time. It would be cheaper from the dept's standpoint to just allow us to work part time as a transition to retirement, but their ideology is such that they want full timers, or you should just quit. I wonder who will win as there's a few of us who feel as I do.
Hmmm, the idea of pulling the pin and moving away from Melbourne just gets more and more appealing, doesn't it?
Are you sure you are just hermiting and not actually depressed?
How could I possibly be sure one way or the other? It's not like there's a test I can do, is there?
At least your husband is being forced to interact with one other person (you). I've been completely alone for months. ... which sounds like a whinge, but what I'm actually concerned by is the fact that I don't want that isolation to end.
No, I don't know that there is a test. I just know that when I was depressed, I didn't want anyone in my house (mostly because I'd have to clean it) and I regularly cancelled arrangments to go out.
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