Day 365: An appropriate ending

I couldn't think of a better way to end the year than with a rushed, lazy, messy, ugly, scribble. Happy New Year, all youse cunts!

Day 364: One more for the road

Monsters were my go-to this year, for when I was feeling lazy, or couldn't think of anything else. It's like they just roll out of my pen on their own, without any effort from me at all.

Day 363: Context

Sometimes, putting two perfectly innocent phrases next to each other can totally change the meaning of one or both of them. Rid insect repellent is currently running an ad out West, which lists its advantages as follows:

• Won't upset sensitive skin
• Bush-tested

Well, I guess that's actually reassuring in a way, isn't it? I mean, you wouldn't use it otherwise.

Day 362: The bad stuff that happened over Chritmas

Another one of my elderly rellies died over Christmas. By all accounts, she was a horrible bitch and nobody liked her, not even her own children. She spent the last few years of her life wasting away in a home, unloved and unvisited, and any time she came up in conversation, everyone would say that she was finally getting what she deserved.

Anyway, the hospital called up her eldest daughter and told her that it was almost over. Daughter came up to the hospital to find her mother awake, but incredibly thin and unable to move or communicate. She took a picture, and sent it out to the family.

That picture haunted all of us over Christmas. It's not that anyone forgave her, it was more a sense that not even she deserved the punishment she was getting.

I can always remember my dad saying to my brothers, "You'd shoot a mongrel dog before you let it suffer like that. When the time comes, I hope you show me at least as much decency as you would a mongrel dog."

Day 361: Chrissy Recap

Had an early Christmas with the nieces & nephews, and then took my parents to spend Christmas day proper with some rellies we hadn't seen in a while. To give you an idea, one of them is nicknamed "Uncle Leafy" because of how much pot he smoked in the '70s.

It was pretty great. Drinking, listening to old stories, more drinking, having speaker-phone conversations with other clan-families, even more drinking. I can't remember the last time I saw my mum pissed.

Christmas dinner was a huge pile of fresh seafood. No ham, no turkey, no salad, no dessert. Nothing but crab, lobster, prawns, etc. Leafy took a photo of it and sent it to Aunty Flo, who immediately phoned back. Best Flo quotes include:

Mmmm, the Islander genes must be strong in you buggers, goin' by that feed you're havin', ay

I just come back from a family reunion in Tahiti. Easiest place for all the mob to get to. Reckon some came by canoe, ay.

You got yourself a man yet Alex? Don't worry, one of your Aunties was still havin' kids into her fifties, so it's not too late. Don't waste too much more time though, ay.

There was some not so pleasant stuff that happened over Chrissy too, but I'll talk about that tomorrow. Just the good stuff for today.

Leafy & Flo

Day 360: Boxing Day Sales

Not for the faint of heart.

Day 359: Merry Christmas!

I was working on a proper Chrissy pic (honest), but after 8hrs of drinking with my family, I don't think I'm going to get it posted in time.

Day 358: Elves, eh?

Makes you wonder how these pouncey bastards ended up working in a toy factory at the North Pole, doesn't it?

Day 357: Rudolph's red nose

So I told the pervy old cunt, "If you can't find two dozen bottles of Chivas in that fat fuckin' sack of yours, the only thing I'll be guiding tonight, is my hoof up your jolly red arse, mate".

Day 356: Frosty The Snowman …

… spent a Christmas down in Oz …

Warm enough for yez?

Day 355: Definitely over-doing it

This might actually be a problem. Maybe I need to buy a couple of sets of "holiday pants".

Day 354: Guess which mob just saw the new Star Wars?

"Oh piss off you little bastards."

Day 353: Early Chrissy with the kids

That's wrapping paper, in case you were wondering.

Day 352: #BEATENGLAND

GLAND BEATEN

Day 351: Thanks for nothing, Santa

You miserly old cunt.

Day 350: All I want for Chrissy is a hung parliament

Misery loves company, I guess.

Day 349: Murdoch strikes deal with Disney

The monster continues to grow.

Day 348: Something I ate?

...grrr...rumble...rrrr....brrrp

Day 347: Feeling a little bit …

… under the weather.

Day 346: Dream Nightmare Journal

Like most of my dreams, I wasn't in this one, but it was still too personal for my liking.

It's Christmas eve, and my entire family are staying in this big old Queenslander style homestead. The kids have just gone to bed. Every dog and cat my family has ever owned is alive and wandering/laying around. All of a sudden the dogs spring into action and race off. There's growling and barking, and then a high-pitched squeal splits the night. Moments later, this giant wild pig appears on the verandah, its blood-soaked fur gleaming under the dull light of the bug-zapper. The pig smashes its way through the door and starts going berserk. The end

The moral: Pig's can be pretty scary.

Ever see the movie Razorback?

Day 345: Look Who's Back!

I thought the Miners had done him in for sure.

Also, I'll probably have to head out of town soon, so this place may go in and out of autopilot mode for a bit over Christmas.

Day 344: I'm Unbearable, Play Me Ad Nauseum

It's only the second day of the WomBBL and I'm already fantasizing about doing unspeakable things to that insufferable cow who does the ads for "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!".

Day 343: It Begins

WomBBL kicked off today with an amazing performance by Ash Gardener, who made both the highest score and fastest 100 in a WomBLL match, which propelled her team on to the highest score in WomBLL history.

The only low point was when Elise Perry hit a six that was caught between the eyes by a young bloke in the crowd.

Day 342: 10 years might be too much

… to expect from a set of knickers, after all.

Day 341: My thoughts on Black Pete

… or Zwarte Piet, or whatever the fuck he's called in Dutch.

Every December, for the last few years, I've heard episodes of podcasts discussing whether or not Black Pete needs to go. If you've never heard of Black Pete, apparently in Dutch culture Santa Claus doesn't live at the South Pole, he lives in Spain; and he doesn't have elves to help him out, he's got a black mate named Pete. And since most people living in Holland are white, Pete is usually played by somebody in black makeup.

And as far as I can tell, this is what seems to be at the heart of the argument; this (American?) mindset that any time a white person paints themselves black, it's automatically racist. I've talked about this before, but to reiterate: I don't think making yourself up like a different race is racist, I don't think making yourself up like a different sex is sexist, and I don't think making yourself up like a different cultural group is xenophobic; what matters is what you do once you put the makeup on.

Now, if Black Pete was some horrible, greedy, arsehole whom children were encouraged to beat with a stick in order to get their presents, then I'd say there was a pretty good reason to get rid of him; but from what I've heard, he's just a nice bloke who hands out lollies and other little treats, and all you're going to do by getting rid of him is erase a positive black character from your folklore. How the fuck does that help with anything?

Day 340: Sticking to what you're good at

*sigh* It would've been so easy to just draw 365 different monsters this year.

Day 339: More Ads

I'd wager most kids these days have never seen rabbit ears on a telly.

Been watching the test Had the test on in the evenings, and a few ads have caught my attention; most of which I couldn't find on Youtube. I'll cover those ones at the start:

First, we've got this ad for Magellan money managers, who are supposedly experts in building global share portfolios. It rattles off all this shit about how we live in a global society where your shoes are German, your iPhone American, your car Japanese, your coffee-maker Swiss, etc, etc; and every time it plays, I want to add "… and made in China" to the end of every bloody example.

Then there's this one airline ad, which stars one of those obnoxious cunts from Top Gear, and is all about the benefits of traveling first class. I can't remember seeing ads for first class air travel … well—ever—in the past. And while I don't know how many people sitting at home watching the cricket on a Tuesday evening, are going to be shopping around for the most luxurious in-flight experience, it just seems out of place sandwiched between an ad for $8 legs of lamb from Aldi and electric fanny-hair trimmers. … and speaking of such …

Yes, apparently that's something you can buy yourself—or a loved one—for Chrissy this year. This ad features a bunch of young ladies having a pillow fight in their undies, and every time I see it, I can't help but wonder, Does anybody you know actually own feather pillows? Seriously, apart from a couple of my old Nan's pillows, which were stuffed with what I think was horse hair, I reckon every pillow I've ever slept on has been made out of some sort of foam.

And while we're on the subject of Grannies & fannies, KFC has an ad with a bunch of people singing "There's a Hole in My Bucket", and I can't listen to it without hearing my Nan laughing and telling me, "Weeell, bet'er t'ave a hole in yer bucket than a bucket in yer hole"; and if you hear this every time that song plays from now on - you're welcome.

Sticking with grotty fast food, Maccas likes to throw out the sentimental shit at Chrissy time, and this year, they've finally managed to put one together that touches my cold dead heart. It's a music video featuring what looks like a typical Nan & Pop looking after a mob of feral grandkids on a beautiful Summer's day. I actually managed to find this one online …

Which brings me to this final ad, from the federal gov, which seeks to raise awareness about violence against women …

Every time I see this thing, I think about the hiding one of my nieces or nephews would get off the nearest adult if they slammed a door in anyone's face. And then, when their parents found out, they'd be lucky if they didn't get a second hiding for good measure. I know that these days it's fashionable to classify that sorta thing as child-abuse, but you know what?—I can't remember the last time I saw any of the kids in my family slam a fuckin' door in somebody's face. Hmmm?

Anyway, that's it from me. What've you been watching lately?

Day 338: Another One Bites The Dust

In case you haven't heard, vidme.com is shutting down. There have been many attempts over the years to start a video-sharing platform that can rival Youtube*—VidMe was one of the most prominent of the "little guys" in recent years, along with Minds & BitChute. Read the section titled "What we learned and why we’re moving on to something new" of their goodbye letter if you want to know why I think they're all doomed to fail. The only mob that I think stands a chance is Twitch, and that's only because they're backed by Amazon.

The internet is becoming gentrified, ladies. It was fun while it lasted, but all things come to an end.

*Does anyone remember Blip.TV?

Day 337: Everything I do has unwanted consequences

Got rid of the last of the rellies yesty. Slept eleven hours last night. Sore back & hip this morning.

Day 336: Not sure what it is …

… but I wanted to do something a bit different with the time I had tonight.

Day 335: I hear it's a bit damp down south

Take care, youse mob in Victoria, 'ay.