Monday, 30 May 2016

M.I.A.

You may or may not have noticed that things have been slow around here lately.

Remember when I said that the 2000AD sci-fi comic was turning 40—and that I wanted to go back and revisit some of my favourite stories? Well, it turns out that leafing through almost 2000 issues and re-reading the bits that take your fancy is actually pretty time-consuming.

Sorry about that. Will see about getting more up here in the near future.

Also—I may have mentioned this before—but it turns out that some Judge Dredd stories are really fuckin' good.

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Eurovision Song Contest 2016

Next This week is Eurovision week, so don't expect much out of me that isn't in some way related to Europe's silliest musical extravaganza. I haven't decided yet if I'll stream the UK's mid-week broadcast of the semi-finals, or wait for the SBS telecast the following weekend—I suppose it'll depend on how busy I get—but whatever the case, I'll be filling this post in as I go.

Contents

Greyed out countries failed to qualify for the finals.

1. Semi Final 1

Finland

I don't know what happened with this one, but something sounded off about it. Maybe it was nerves … and maybe it was just a little bit rubbish.

Greece

This one was a lot rubbish. They tried to salvage it at the end by having a bloke rip his shirt off, but frankly, it was too little too late. Probably the worst act of the night—so I was amazed it didn't go through to the final.

Moldova

Things finally get underway with a decent song and a break-dancing, back-flipping astronaut. Saddly not enough to get it over the line though.

Hungary

This bloke needed to decide whether he wanted his shirt tucked into his pants or not. The 50/50 look just wasn't cutting it. Also, the drummer in the background stole the show. The song wasn't terrible though.

Croatia

They obviously put more work into the costume than the song with this one. Having said that, it is a pretty impressive frock. And obviously I'm not the only person who thought so.

Netherlands

Remember The Eagles song, "Take it Easy"? This is basically a dull cover version of that.

Armenia

After Sweden won last year by masking a fairly average song with a super-imaginative light show, it should have been obvious that several other countries would try the same stunt this year. At one point, this sheila had several holographic copies of herself dancing on stage with her. The song was okay, but nothing overly wonderful.

San Marino

This bloke's Leonard Cohen impression was one of the highlights of the night. I actually got a little bit pissy when he didn't go through.

Russia

Hands down, the most ridiculously over-the-top light show of the night. This blew every other country out of the water and made what Sweden did last year look quaint. No surprise that Russia is favourite to win this year. As for the song, I thought it was kind of rubbish.

Czech Republic

*Yawn* Yeah, it was okay. I suppose. It was no bloody San Marino though, I can tell you that.

Cyprus

About time we got something with a bit of a rockin' vibe to it. Of all the acts that went through to the finals tonight, I think this might have been my favourite—so expect them to finish somewhere around last place then.

Austria

This sounded like something you'd find on the end credits of a French-dubbed animated film. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't particularly memorable either.

Estonia

This kid didn't have much going for him other than his voice (and maybe his looks). Having said that, I would have probably put him through on that alone. It was more than the Netherlands had.

Azerbaijan

Another ordinary song accompanied by a light-show that would have looked impressive if it hadn't come after Russia. As it stands, the only thing we're left with is how idiotic one of the dancers looked.

Montenegro

I haven't got a fuckin' clue what this was supposed to be. It sounds like somebody took a bridge out of a rock song they really liked, and tried to make a whole new song out of just that … and failed. The whole time it feels like it's building up to a song but never actually gets there. Oh well, at the very least I can congratulate Montenegro for trying something different and … interesting?

Iceland

The procession of amazing light-shows continues. This sheila fell to pieces, got chased around by giant shadowy hands, and then blew smoke out of her tits. Of all the visual-heavy acts, this one definitely had the best actual song to go with it (it might have even been the best song of the night); so of course, it was the only one that didn't go through to the finals.

Bosnia & Herzegovina

I thought Greece were clear favourites for the wooden-spoon until I saw this. I do love the cello, and the duet parts are good, but at any point where there's only one person singing … it's just shite.

Malta

It's nice to be able to finish on a high note. One of the best songs of the evening. And it went through! Will wonders never cease.

Can't say I was blown away by what was on offer tonight, but at least a couple of the acts I liked went through to the finals. I have to say my eyebrow cocked when I heard one of the hosts say during the opening, "Grab your towels as we all come together." I might just have my mind in the gutter, but is there even an innocent way to interpret that?

2. Semi Final 2

So, I got a call on Friday (I think) that one of my sister-in-law's rellies had had a stoke, and I was needed for urgent baby-sitting duty. Therefore, I ended up watching the second semi-final with a bunch of rug-rats. They weren't all that keen at first, but once they found out it was a contest and Australia was competing, they suddenly all got very interested.

Latvia

This bloke had nice hair and a nice jacket. Oh, and the chorus part of his song was okay too.

Poland

This bloke looked a bit like what's-his-name, from the Pirates of The Carribean movies, only slightly more expressive and life-like (the bloke from the movies is starting to get that wax-dummy look about him). Another okay song that failed to stand out from the crowd.

Switzerland

Despite the blue-haired, bare-footed woman with the transparent skirt, everything about this just screamed "bland".

Israel

If Jay Leno and Boy George had a son who liked wearing glittery hobo gloves, I imagine he'd look something like this bloke. I did like the acrobats. It's just a shame the song didn't have a little bit more going for it.

Belarus

Now this was a performance worthy of Eurovision. When this bloke wasn't completely nude, he was wearing pants that made his hips look a mile wide and face-paint that looked like streaks of bird shit; a virtual band comprised of several holographic projections of himself played in the background; and he sang a fairly catchy, vaguely '80s sounding song about wanting to teach a wolf how to fly. Either he was a completely deluded egomaniac, or a bloke with a sense of humour who didn't mind being the but of the joke, so long as the audience was entertained. Either way, my hat is off to you Belarus.

Serbia

A serious song about the serious subject of domestic violence. I just wish it hadn't been so dull.

Ireland

Was this song about marriage equality? In any case, it was a little bit too "boy band" for my liking.

Macedonia

This poor woman obviously thought she was singing at a proper concert. A beautiful performance of a beautiful song that just didn't belong at Eurovision. Not in 2016, anyway.

Lithuania

I'm convinced this was the same bloke who sang for Latvia using a different name, a less cool jacket, and a less interesting song. He did do a pretty cool flip in the middle though.

Australia

I really liked the music in this one. In fact, I might even rate it third or fourth for the whole competition. Of course, the *ahem* highly impartial kiddies I was watching with thought that "Dummy M" was miles better than everyone else and should have won in a landslide. It was heart-breaking to see them get crushed at the end of the scoring in the final.

Slovenia

Slovenia was my top pick last year. This year, not so much. It wasn't terrible though. I could almost say I liked it. But not quite. It had a slight country twang to it; oh, and another acrobat.

Bulgaria

Easily the best outfit of the competition. Also, a week on, I'm now calling it as the best song. I cannot get this out of my head.

Denmark

Did I say Ireland sounded a little bit too boy-band-y? Sorry Ireland, it seems I owe you an apology.

Ukraine

Last year, France did a song that could have been retitled "Fuck Germany". This year we've got "Fuck Russia". Nobody in my lounge room liked this song. The kiddies thought it was miserable and I kind of agreed.

Norway

I didn't mind this, but the verse parts and the chorus parts kind of sounded like two different songs that didn't quite belong together.

Georgia

Amazingly, this blew away everything from semi-final 1 in the race for the wooden-spoon. Everything about this looked and sounded terrible. In fact, it might just be the worst act I've ever seen at Eurovision. Ever. At least that's something, I suppose.

Albania

Zzzzz, Zzzzzz, Zzzzzz.

Belgium

Even though they stuck to their story about liking Australia the best, this one actually had the kids up and dancing. Jesus, I wish I'd been quick enough to get them on tape. You can probably imagine what Terra looked like doing these moves in her jamy shorts.

3. Grand Final

Sweden

See my comments about Albania. then add more 'Zzzzz's.

France

Interesting that part of this song was in English. I guess they thought they could relax a little since Austria's song was completely in French. It wasn't terrible and the bloke was certainly easy on the eyes.

Germany

Well … at least it looked interesting. Actually, the girl looked a bit like Lina what's-her-face, who won for Germany with that Satellite song a few years ago—only dressed as an anime character. I wonder if they're from the same part of the country? A pity the song wasn't as good.

Italy

Another snoozer. The water effects on the stage were pretty neat though.

Spain

Not a bad little song. I notice though that this is at least the third act to feature a woman doing that wierd knock-knee dancing. Is this a new thing the kids are doing now? Well, if it means I no longer have to look at eight-year-olds grinding their crotches suggestively, I'm all for it.

United Kingdom

Did I give Denmark shit for sounding like a boy band? I take it back Denmark. At least you sounded like a fun and upbeat boy band.

The kids were so fuckin' excited to see if "Dummy M" would win, they got me up at 5AM to watch the finals live on Sunday morning. Well, we all know how that turned out. Terra went ballistic when "that awful song" from the Ukraine pipped her at the very end.

Just to wrap things up, I thought I'd share my top ten picks along with how they actually did. (DNQ = Did Not Qualify)

#My Top TenRank Points
1Bulgaria 4 307
2San MarinoDNQ -
3Cyprus 21 96
4Australia 2 511
5Iceland DNQ -
6Belgium 10 181
7Macedonia DNQ -
8Norway DNQ -
9Belarus DNQ -
10Malta 12 153

Well, that's Eurovision, I guess. See you all next year.

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Eurovision 2006: I can't believe it's been 10 years.

I can't remember when or how I discovered the Eurovision song contest—probably in the '90s, while flicking through channels. I do remember why I kept watching it: Terry Wogan's pisser commentary. It was the perfect recipe—this colourful, flashy, hyperactive, and over-the-top lovefest, narrated by a snide pom who sounded like he'd rather be anywhere else—Eurovision quickly became an unmissable night of comedy for me.

But all that changed in 2006.

Ironically, just before Wogan left, I had a breakthrough which made me appreciate the show in its own right. Don't get me wrong, there's not a year goes by when I don't find myself laughing at the grand absurdity of it all, it's just that now there's a deeper sense of enjoyment to it as well.

I don't know exactly why 2006 was special—well, obviously I know one reason—2006 is the year everyone remembers, because it's the year the rubber-suited, heavy-metal monsters from Finland won—and yes, that's definitely a part of it—but I think there's more to it than just that. I suspect that what made 2006 special wasn't just how unusual Finland's entry was, it's how unusual and diverse the acts were collectively.

So join me, won't you, as I explore my little theory by taking a trip back to the year when I became a true Eurovision tragic.

germany

This one might be my personal favourite, and nicely encapsulates the whole night in a single performance. It's an Australian singer fronting a German country group called Texas Lightning—and I defy you not to be tapping your foot by the end of it.

ukraine

I'm convinced that one of the lines this girl sings is "my panties on fire"; however, that couldn't possibly be true, because we can all clearly see that they're not.

romania

I question whether break-dancers were completely fitting for a song like this, but it's a catchy little number, with or without them. I still find myself humming the chorus from time to time.

finland

Here they are; the stars of the night, and possibly the most famous act in recent years—at least until Conchita's bearded lady routine. Since you all know I don't mind a bit a metal, it should come as no surprise that I've got a soft spot for this one.

norway

If memory serves, the title of this song translates to "Elf Dance". Note however, that there are neither elves nor dancing on display here.

turkey

I can't help but wonder whether this act might be considered a little too risqué for present-day Turkey under Erdoğan. That thought would probably make me sad if the song didn't make me want to get up and dance instead.

lithuania

I can't believe people booed this. Did they not get the joke, or does the rest of Europe just think that Lithuanians are all arseholes?

sweden

Swedish Shania Twain battles the wind machine from hell. Actually, I fuckin' love this song. There's a line near the start which sounds like, "Love is like America, invading your heart". It changes the meaning of every other line in the song completely.

belgium

I spent the whole song hoping a light-saber battle would break out at some point. I have to imagine they had one the moment they got off the stage?

poland

Pregnant; rapping; masked; green-haired; piano-playing; matador; women waving jester heads—seriously, what more could you ask for?

albania

Featuring traditional Albania bagpipes. … wait, what?

croatia

I can almost imagine people singing this in the pub after a game of footy … or a round of caber toss; or whatever the fuck they do for fun in Croatia. Also, I applaud anyone who can dance like that in those heels.

bulgaria

Worth watching just for the back-up singer who appears at the end. Almost a … proto-Conchita … maybe …?

iceland

The only thing you really need to know about this is that Silvia Night is a character played by an Icelandic comedienne. Apparently, the majority of Europe was not in on the joke. She caused quite a stir by alleging that Sweden's entrant had qualified for the final by sleeping with the head of the EBU.

spain

Hey, it's those four sisters who had that one big hit—The Salsa Song—or whatever it was called. And they're sitting in office chairs. Accompanied by some sort of punk ballet thing. Or something. Actually, I really rather like this one.

netherlands

I think this is two sisters and their music teacher. Well, whatever it is, it sounds almost sickeningly happy.

estonia

I can't decide which era this reminds me of the most. It's kinda like watching old sci-fi, where everything's both futuristic and retro at the same time. In any case, it fuckin' works. I love the song, love the outfits, love the hip-shaky dance, even love the singer's adorable little facial expressions. Did I mention how much I loved it?

denmark

If you listen carefully, this song tells a story … and that story is fucking stupid. However, there is a dancer, whom I'm guessing is named Johnny … and Johnny fucking rocks.

monaco

perfectly demonstrates why the French Riviera is celebrated for its traditional Polynesian music and culture.

latvia

Have we had any a cappella yet tonight? Well, we've got some now; along with some … uh … tiny, robot, puppet, action?

Alright, that'll do, I think we've answered the question. This isn't every song from 2006, but it should give you a fair idea of what made this year so special. I just hope you enjoyed our little stroll down memory lane as much as I did. I really can't believe it's been ten years. It almost makes you feel old, doesn't it?

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Blinded by the light

A couple of times a year, I have these episodes where I go almost completely blind for several hours—unable to see anything except strange and continuous bursts of lights in front of my eyes. There is no pain or other symptoms. I asked some quack doctor from the arse end of nowhere about it twenty years ago—he told me not to worry, as they were just migraines.

Does anybody else here get migraines and does this sound like an accurate description of them—or do I need to see a different doc?

Friday, 6 May 2016

Remembering Old Friends

This one's mainly for Squib and Melbs (although, I guess mainly just Squib these days).

Since my post on ASMR videos a while back, I've been using them almost nightly, and with great success (at some point I'll have to do a post about all the weird and … well, weird shit I've come across in that time). Tonight, I was settling into bed with my favourite "ASMR-tist" (you remember the woman you said would've given you nightmares, Squib?) and as soon as I saw this, all I could think of was Ramon.

I wonder what he's up to these days?

Thursday, 5 May 2016

Suddenly, the presidential elections don't seem so interesting.

For the last 6 months I've been wrapped up in what's been going on with the American presidential primaries. Well, I think my fixation may soon be coming to an end. The one candidate that I was actually excited about will almost certainly be beaten by a soulless politician with the backing of her party machine—and unless the Republican party machine does something extraordinarily corrupt and underhanded, their race is now officially over.

So, that leaves us with Hillary v Trump. Here's how I think it'll go:

Trump will say horrible things about Clinton; Clinton's supporters will take those things—plus, almost certainly, some made-up bullshit things—and accuse him of being sexist; then, talking heads will spend hundreds of hours debating which of those accusations are true, and how sexist Trump really is.

It's possible that Clinton may go after him for his dodgy business record, but that doesn't seem to have hurt him up till now. Given that she's way ahead with ethnic-minorities, my guess is that she'll target the fact that even amongst right-leaning voters, Trump already polls poorly with women. If she can limit his supporter base to only white men, she's probably got this thing in the bag. Oh, and by the way, as she goes after those right-leaning women, expect her rhetoric to get more right-wing.

Maybe I'm wrong and things will take a completely different turn, but the only thing I can see potentially shaking this up is if the FBI finally decide to go after Hillary for her emails. If that happens, I'll probably jump back in, but otherwise, I don't think I care enough to sit through the Yank equivalent of the Gillard v Abbott drama. Given that we Aussies are supposedly going to the polls in July, I should probably start paying attention to what's going on around these parts anyway.

Monday, 2 May 2016

VPN?

Suze has asked for a quick rundown on VPNs. Firstly, I should point out that explaining detailed technical concepts to people with no grounding in the subject is tricky, and often requires weird analogies and trading off absolute accuracy for something that can be understood. With that out of the way, let's get started, shall we …

Regular internet traffic works like a stream of postcards going back and forth between computers very very quickly. Each postcard needs to have a destination address written on it, so that the postal system knows where to send it—and usually—a return address as well. The space on a postcard is very limited, so for any meaningful correspondence to happen, lots and lots of them need to be sent back and forth.

Also, postcards can be read by anyone in the postal system who handles them. But sometimes we want to send private correspondence that can only be read by the person we're sending it to. In such cases, instead of sending a postcard, we write a letter and put it in a sealed envelope. This is why when you're logging into a website, the address bar will say "https://" at the start instead of regular "http://" (and usually show a little green padlock icon). The "s" at the end means your correspondence is "sealed" or "secure", and if everything is working right, it should be almost mathematically impossible for anyone but the intended recipient to unseal the envelope and read what's inside.

So, now we have a means of hiding the contents of our correspondence from prying eyes; however, any busy-body in the postal system can still look at the "to" and "from" addresses on our envelopes and see who it is we're writing to, as well as how much we write to them, at what time of day, and of course, how much they write back to us. This is what we call "meta-data", which you may have heard a lot about recently. At this point in time, Australian ISPs are required to record the metadata of all their customers correspondence and keep it for a minimum of two years.

So, what can we do if we don't want the postal system keeping a record of everyone we correspond with? Well, one thing we can do is rent out a private PO box with a VPN provider. Then, when we send a postcard or envelope, instead of putting our real return address on it, we put the address for our VPN box number. Then we put our postcard or envelope into a secondary envelope and mail that to the VPN provider. The VPN provider will open the secondary envelope and post whatever was inside. When the person we are corresponding with writes a reply, they'll address it to our private VPN box number. Our VPN provider will take that reply, stick it in a sealed envelope and send it back to us. In this way, all the postal system sees on our end, is a constant stream of correspondence going back and forth between us and our VPN provider.

Of course, if anyone is able to see all the correspondence that goes between us and the VPN provider and all the correspondence that comes out of the VPN provider, they might be able to put two and two together and make an educated guess at which correspondence belongs to us. That's why it's a good idea to use a VPN endpoint (private PO box) located in a different country, and preferably one that doesn't require VPN services or ISPs to keep records.

So, the question now is which VPN provider should you use and how do you set up your "VPN tunnel" once you've made a choice. Unfortunately, this isn't so easy to answer. Some VPN providers have little applications you can download and run if you're a non-techy who doesn't know how to configure a VPN manually. I used to hear really good things about TunnelBear.com, but I believe they block bittorrent traffic now, so I wouldn't recommend them. Nor would I recommend my current VPN, as I will probably be dropping them when my current subscription ends. I'll probably be using this list to pick a new one. I have heard one person say good things about PrivateInternetAccess.com, but I can't personally vouch for them.

I can tell you to stay away from HideMyAss.com. In court, they were were somehow able to hand over months worth of logs of their customers' data, even though they claimed they never recorded anything. Now, there's nothing to say that other VPN providers aren't doing the same, but once bitten, y'know.

Sorry if that was a lot of what you didn't need to know and not much of what you did. If you find something on that list that takes your fancy, I'll be happy to look them over and see if anything jumps out at me.

Sunday, 1 May 2016

If you can't fix it with duct-tape …

Answering Squib's question on email hacking the other day, has caused me to think about how many people are probably unaware of some very basic issues when it comes to computer security.

A RAT (Remote Administration Tool), is a piece of software that allows you to control a computer over a network connection (eg: the internet). RATs are a vital tool for people who work with technology; they are also frequently used by criminals. One of the creepiest things RATs are used for is spying on people through webcams. This behaviour is not rare or uncommon. Pervy cunts who are into this sort of thing congregate on online forums and openly swap pictures and videos of (almost exclusively female) victims. I know this because—back in the day—I used to hang out (in real life) with those very same pervy cunts. Most of them worked in I.T. and security jobs. (I'm seriously uncomfortable admitting to this. Back then, I thought what they did was funny. Obviously, I no longer do.)

A big part of the problem lies in how many network-connected cameras we have these days—laptops, phones, tablets, tellies—and almost all of them running poorly coded and/or criminally outdated software. (At some point I'm going to rant about why self-driving cars are not going to "take over" in the next twenty years)

The only real-world solution to the camera problem that I know of: adhesive tape. Duct tape, masking tape, electrical tape, it doesn't matter; so long as it's opaque and sticks to whatever you're using it on. I have a piece of tape over every camera in my house. That may sound unreasonably paranoid, but I don't think it is. Recently, the director of the FBI mentioned in a speech that he tapes up his cameras too; and if it's good enough for him …

I just wish there was such a simple solution for dealing with microphones as well.