Tea With Family

Note: This post is intended to be part of a series of Christmas dialogues. Dunno if I'll give them all their own posts or just keep appending to this one. Let me know if you can't follow the format. If something doesn't make sense, it probably means I've lost track of all the bloody pseudonyms.


7:30PM
[Stixy] Alright, what's everyone having?
[Terra] Chippies!
[Stixy] Of course. Terra's having chippies.
[Sandy] You want something to go with your chippies, luv?
[Terra] No.
[Sandy] Uh-huh. Alright, let's look at the specials, shall we.
[Bry] Can I get pizza?
[Sandy] I don't think they have pizza, sweetie. Look at the menu.
[Phil] Rissoles.
[Sunny] That sounds good.
[Stumpy] You want rissoles, mate? Alright, what about you Trude?
[Trude] I dunno.
[Sin] Sausages, please.
[Bry] Um, I'll have sausages too, please.
[Sandy] I'll have the seafood basket, with extra chips, and I'll split it with Terra.
[Stumpy] Seafood basket? Not a bad idea.
[Terra] I want ice-cream!
[Sandy] You want ice-cream with your chippies?
[Terra] Yeah!
[Sandy] Okay, we'll see how we go with tea first.
[Stumpy] You want rissoles or sausages too, sweetheart?
[Trude] Okay.
[Stumpy] Which one, luv?
[Trude] Um, I dunno. Sausages. Please.
[Sunny] That sounds good too.
[Stixy] Might go the lasagna, myself, I reckon. Alex?
[Alex] Roast comes with roast veges.
[Stumpy] Hmmmm?
[Alex] Roast of the day. Comes with "roast potatoes and veges". Haven't seen a pub meal with roast veges for a while.
[Aaron] Aahhh, you're right. It's mostly all that side-salad shit these days, innit?
[Alex] Uh-huh.
[Stumpy] Mmmm. Sounds good. I'll have one'a them.
[Alex] Yeah, That'll do.
[Aaron] Yep, might go one meself. What about you, darl?
[Trish] No. I'm gonna be fancy and have chicken parmigiana.
[Sunny] Oh, that sounds good too.
[Stixy] Alright, so that's a seafood basket, with extra chips ...
[Terra] And ice-cream!
[Stixy] ... three roasts, three sausages, rissoles, chicken parmigiana ... were you having sausages or rissoles, Sunny?
[Sunny] Ah, no; I'll have the chicken parmigiana too, please.
[Stixy] And two chicken parmigianas. Now, what about drinks?

8:00PM
[Aaron] What the bloody hell's this?
[Waitress] Is something wrong?
[Aaron] The roast was supposed to come with roast veges; not a piddling little spoonful of boiled carrots, beans and bloody zucchini.
[Waitress] I'm sorry sir, no; the potatoes are roasted.
[Stumpy] Nah, nah, lookit this, it says it here, "roast potatoes AND veges".
[Waitress] That's right sir, roast potatoes is one thing and veges is a separate item.
[Stumpy] ... Unbelievable.
[Aaron] Dirty bastards.

9:00PM
[Bouncer] Excuse me, everyone; I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to make your way over to the poker-machine area. We're shutting this part of the establishment down for the evening.
[Stixy] What? It's nine o'clock.
[Bouncer] Yep. We shut down the main area at this time every night.
[Stixy] Wait, every night?
[Bouncer] That's right.
[Stixy] What's ya busiest night then?
[Bouncer] This is it.
[Stixy] Shit, ay. Where do all the young fellas go then?
[Bouncer] ... Not here. At home on Facebook, probably.
[Stixy] Bloody hell.

9:10PM (CARPARK)
[Aaron] I can't bloody believe that.
[Trish] It's a bit sad, innit?
[Stixy] Way things are goin', I guess.
[Stumpy] Still seems a bit defeatist, doesn't it? Closin' down at nine o'clock?
[Stixy] Except the pokies -- goes to show where the money is.
[Aaron] Ah, it's bullshit. You see the average age of those fellas in there? Ya not gonna last long relyin' on that.
[Trish] Mmm, does seem a bit short-sighted, dunnit?
[Aaron] Bloody oath.
[Stixy] Well, it is owned by Woollies.
[Aaron] What? Nah, that's only the bottle-o part, innit?
[Stixy] Nah, the whole lot. They own mosta the pubs 'round here now.
[Aaron] Really?
[Stixy] Mm-Hmm.
[Aaron] ... Well, I'll be buggered. Dirty bastards. Got their fingers in everything, don't they?
[Stixy] Yep.
[Aaron] Hmmm, yeah ... well, in that case, fuck 'em; I'd rather see 'em go bust.
[Stumpy] Yeah, after that roast vege business, I'm inclined to agree.
[Terra] Yee-ah, fuck 'em!
[Sandy] Oi, you!

Cricket and North Korea (all the stuff you love)

'ey, 'ow is everyone?

What've I bin upta? 'ad rellies over, 'ay. Bin sittin' 'round, gasbaggin', watchin' cricket onna telly, feedin' me gob; reckon I mighta gained 'bout ten kilos, 'n' me grammar's maybe slippin' a bit too, 'ay.

'owsabout yous fullas?

***

I know "the news" isn't popular on here, but I did want to say something about this "North Korea hacked Sony" story.

As far as I can see, it's all bullshit.

To me, it looks like Sony and the American government are wringing a bucket-load of lemonade out of some pretty iffy fruit, and the way the story's being reported by many media outlets, is a fine example of how "independent" news organisations can function as a political mouthpiece. 

Just wanted to get that off my chest. Anyone else got an opinion on it?

The (sometimes) Lucky(ish) Country (for some people)

I was listening to the latest episode of one of my favourite podcasts tonight; and the German host was talking about what's been happening in his neck of the woods lately.

He said his wife had wanted to do some sewing, but when they went to buy fabric they found they couldn't get to the shop. Apparently a group of about 4000 nazis had come to town to "fight islamists", and a coalition of about 6000 socialists & others had shown up to fight the nazis.

Christ, I hope things never get like that here.

Anybody seen that sort of thing up close?

The Spirit Of Giving A Shit

As I've mentioned before, the adults in my family don't exchange Chrissy presents. We do give pressies to the kids though.

However, this year, it strikes me that a number of the kids in my family already have more toys and gadgets and shit than they could shake a small tree at. Not only that, but some of them are so spoiled that they don't appreciate anything they're given anyway.

The question then becomes, what do you get for a kid who has everything? I'd like to get things that are practical and/or educational, so that even if the gift is not appreciated, it can still be useful.

Any ideas? Suggestions for children of all ages welcome, but nothing too expensive please.

Examples could be good books for kids/teens, educational games or apps, online learning services that have an annual subscription, puzzles, sports equipment, etc.

***

The other thing I do at this time each year is start looking for organisations to donate money to.

I like to get a mix of regular charities and free services in there if I can. Wikimedia Foundation, for instance, is one that always makes the list, because I get so much damn use out of what they do.

Again, all suggestions welcome.

Well, fuck ...

GENERAL STUFF

We had a bit of a storm last week. A number of big trees came down, and a lot of the neighbours had their windows smashed and their cars dinged up by hail. Fortunately my place was spared any damage, but we did lose power for a few days.

Luckily, I managed to get my hands on a portable generator, so I was able to keep the fridge running at least.

It turned out the problem had more to do with dodgy wiring within the complex than the power company dragging its feet. Typical. A lot of the work that's been done here is so fuckin' shonky it can't possibly be legal. I can only imagine what went on when the building inspector approved this place. Part of me would like to move out, but it's such a hassle and the location's good. Also, general chat has started in the family around the subject of my folks and I getting a place together (so that I can look after them in their old age), and I don't think that's going to be all that far off.

Speaking of living with people, the storm may have actually solved my little cousin problem. Lil'cuz has been cleaning up storm damage around her place, and I think she and her flatmate have sorted out their differences. It's funny the way disasters can bring people together, even minor ones.

LANGUAGEY STUFF

While the power was out, I spent most of the time with the wireless tuned to ABC local, in case of updates. One night they had an expert on language on to talk about the evolution of English. Quite interesting.

She talked about how, if you go back a few hundred years, English would have barely been comprehensible, and that when it started to be written down, it was mostly phonetic -- meaning that most of what we think of as silent letters today, were pronounced at that time. She quoted some historical texts, in which pedantic scholars bemoaned the lazy, unedcuted, commoners' pronunciation of certain words (pronunciations which are now "proper" English) and ranted about proper pronunciation (which sounds absolutely ridiculous to modern ears).

Then they had people call in to ask questions. Apparently nobody had understood anything she'd said, because the only thing anyone wanted to talk about was their own peevish discontent with how younger people talk. No matter how many times the woman kept saying things like "Well, would you want to go back to pronouncing the 'p' in cupboard, or the 'l' in talk, or the 'g' in thing?" NOBODY got the message.

Also, did you know that 'gh' (like in 'daughter') was commonly used to represent that throat clearing noise that's still common in Dutch, Welsh, and Arabic, but has disappeared from English?

SKETCHY STUFF

When Christmas rolls around, this blog will be a year old. And that means it's been a year since I've done anything other than a quick doodle in my notepad. This was supposed to be a place to put my drawings and paintings and stuff. Considering that sketching used to be the main thing I did to relax, I'd say that something's gone terribly wrong with the whole project.

If I'm going to make a resolution for next year, it's to get back in the swing of things artistically. No doubt things are going to be a bit wonky to start with, given the time that's passed, but I'm just going to have to knuckle down and get on with it.

In an attempt to get the juices flowing, I've been spending some time looking at stuff that inspired me when I was young. Namely, old 2000AD & Conan comics.

Enjoy some samples.

Also, thanks to L.C., I now have this album stuck in my head. Enjoy that too:

 

How goes it with everyone else?

It's Been A While

Well, there's no big news relating to where I've been; it's more a case of absence by a thousand cuts. So, where to start ...

Work has been busy. On top of everything else, I've had to tend to some old gear that basically fell over when the weather warmed up. So there really hasn't been any slack time where I could just dick about on the internet.

One of the old aunties died, and I was out of town for the funeral. It wasn't a sad funeral. She'd had dementia for a while, and the family had already done their mourning -- the woman they loved was long gone. There was more just a sense of relief that the scared, confused, and angry stranger they'd been taking care of had finally reached the end of her suffering.

Sadder news was that another one of the cousins has the big C, and it may be too far gone to treat. They were talking about the option of pouring their life savings into the hope of some long-shot experimental drug. It doesn't sound good anyway.

I also caught up with some cousins I hadn't seen in a while, which was nice. Amongst them was a pair of twins. It'll become obvious why I mention this later.

Lil' Cuz from down the road (I should really give her a name for on here) took the whole ordeal a little bit hard and had a falling out with her house-mate. So, basically, she's been hanging out here. A lot. That's one thing about having a secret blog where you whinge about your family: you can't very well update it in front of them. And it's not like I can go in the other room -- because there aren't any. My place is tiny. I sleep on the lounge when my folks visit. I don't mind looking after her when she's going through a bit of grief, and it's not like she's horrible to have around or anything, but y'know, she's a young person who does young person stuff. And I'm not. And this place is tiny. She rocked up here drunk on Friday night, with a young man in tow, which I wasn't real impressed with; especially since I had "aunt duty" early the next morning. So I'm going to have to find a tactful way of nudging her back to her own place befor long.

And yes, aunt duty. Been doing a lot of that on the weekends lately. My mum's been seeing to that. You see, it's report card season; and since writing report cards is now apparently a labour that would make Hercules cringe, Mum's been down here co-ordinating things. I don't know how teachers get on that don't have mothers and sisters to pick up the slack; I guess they burn up and explode or something. I guess part of it's that mum used to be a teacher, and maybe part of it's that she thinks the boys need a bit of extra "looking after", but I also reckon there's a little piece of her that's upset that I didn't have kids of my own -- so this is the least I can do to make up for it, sort of thing. I'd like to think that last bit is my imagination, but I suspect not.

 On the plus side, I've discovered a really good kids show that one of nieces is into. It's an NITV show called Double Trouble, and both ABC and SBS have episodes up. Basically, it's about twin girls, aboriginal mother, European (literally) father, separated at birth. One lives a posh life in the city, the other lives in a remote community in central Australia. As teenagers, they have a chance meeting and decide to switch places in order to meet their other family members. Not real original, I know, but very well made. Really good attention to detail.

Anyway, at one point, we're watching, and my niece says to me:
"Hey, Arnyelix? Y'reckon one day you'll take me out'n the bush t'look f'nanas an' honey ants t'eat?"
... "D'ya reckon I'd know how to find all that stuff, do ya?"
... "Yes."
Isn't it grand how kids think you can do anything?

At another point, I started thinking about my twin cousins trading places. One is about 6'2" and built like a rugby player, the other is short and petite ...
 "Watcha laughin' at, Arnyelix? This show's no' tha' funny, is it?"

***

Melbs, I will try to get over to your blog tomorrow, and maybe Sarah's too. Right now, I'm pretty tired and really looking forward to getting to bed. On a slightly weird note, I've been having serialised dreams. About a copper in a small farming town who starts a sexual relationship with a married farmer who is growing cannabis to make ends meet during a drought. She's just had sex with the farmer's nephew as well, which complicates things a bit. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Hope everything is well with everyone and their families. I'll be around as much as I can, but I'm expecting rellies from W.A. over here soon, so I won't be able to commit to much. I still want to read that comic at some point down the track. 

Bad movies, Gough Whitlam, surprising interviews, sexy outfits, masks, and weird sex shit.

Been a bit busy over the last few days. But I had the evening free tonight, and decided to spend it productively, by drinking tea and watching videos.

After hearing that P had such glowing opinions of the V For Vendetta movie, I went back and re-watched it, trying to imagine what it would be like to see it without having read the comic.

...

... nope. Still think it's rubbish. Sorry. 

Somehow, Hugo still manages to emote more convincingly than Natalie.

Then I went and had a look at the docos on the SBS website. I see they've got one up that features John Faulkner talking to Gough Whitlam in the last years of his life. I haven't watched it yet, but I think I most definitely shall. I wonder if Kettle knows about it?

I also found this doco on the UK dogging scene, which I did watch. If you haven't heard of "dogging", I guess the best way to describe it is it's sort of like swingers' parties, except people meet up in the woods for (usually) anonymous, (usually) group sex in front of an audience. When I gave the porn industry away, dogging was breaking away from the broader categories of amateur and gonzo to form a distinct sub-genre; and I remember one of the things that made it so distinct was that all of it seemed to be coming out of Britain. Strange; you'd think the weather'd turn folks off, but apparently not.

The film is pretty poorly made, which is disappointing, because some of the stories seem quite interesting. One woman who'd battled anorexia reckoned the more men she had sex with, the better she felt about herself. Her husband came along to chaperon.

Melba, didn't you once say you had a bit of a fascination with this sort of stuff?

More people who are more engaging than Natalie Portman.

And speaking of stuff you might be interested in, Melbs ... I was catching up on some podcasts regarding what's happening in the world of open-source software, and for some inexplicable reason, one of the episodes happened to be an interview with some author named Hugh Howey, who reckons he's making a shit-ton of money self-publishing on the internet. I know you've said you're not interested in going down that route, but it still might be worth a listen. He has one or two interesting things to say.

MP3 Download Here.

And speaking of both podcasts and strange sexual shit ... sorta ... Seeing as how a lot of the tech/news/tech-news podcasts I listen to are American in origin, Halloween has been a big topic this past week. One of the things I've heard repeatedly, which I've found a little surprising, is complaints about the gratuitous sexualisation of the event. Basically, I've been listening to people grumbling that more women are dressing in more sexy-fied costumes, and most of all, that younger girls are beginning to imitate the trend.

There's a Canadian article here about how even the little kids' costumes are going feral

These sort of complaints aren't new, but I found it strange that so many people seemed to be complaining about it this year. How big of a deal has it become? And is it just a yank thing? Squib, how much of this did you see? And how did your night go, anyway? Was the bat costume a success? What was your sweety haul like?

V for Vendetta - Discussion page

I've sent you an email Melba.

Sure I can't tempt you Squib?

Heating Up. And other stuff.

The last few days have been getting up around 35°C.

And I've been loving it.

I probably would've been sweating like a stuck pig, back when I was porky; but that's not such a problem anymore. Now it's the cold that gives me trouble (it goes straight through me).

But there's also something about this weather that's making me feel nostalgic. ... or, I dunno; there's something about it that just feels ... right... Like this is how it should be.

So I'm glad winter is a fading memory.

And I'm sad when I think how soon it'll be back.

But who has time to dwell on that? Not when you feel so full of ... life?

I want to turn off the news, put on some music, and dance like I was fifteen.

Or five.

I want to re-read my favourite books, and re-watch my favourite films. I've even had the urge to play some old video games -- some old board games even.

I can't explain it.

...


How's the weather where you are?

---

Speaking of old films, SBS has a few horror movies online (presumably for Halloween), and one of them is the classic 1980s' Aussie killer-croc flick, Dark Age. This is one of those pictures that does everything wrong in all the right ways. A monster that grows and shrinks depending on the scene, cartoon white yobbo bad guys, cartoon black mystic good guys, bland unremarkable hero, ineffective, inconsistently written (almost schizophrenic) love interest, gratuitous 80s' style sex interspersed with gratuitous 80s' style violence, weaselly government type who only cares about Japanese tourists. Check, check, check, and check.

The twist here is that the movie tries to have a message of conservation. The crocodile is a special aboriginal dreaming animal, with human like intelligence, which only attacks for a reason; and the good guys are out to save it from a nasty bunch of hunters, who want to kill it for fun, profit, and revenge. Don't miss the completely inexplicable homage to the end of Mad Max 2, where instead of petrol, the protagonists are racing across the desert with a truck-load of precious crocodile. Amazing.

Best of all, it's all very, very Australian.

Definitely one to check out. If you're into that sort of thing.

*Not representative of what happens in the actual movie*

---

And here's another question for the ethics committee.

A bloke who operates in the building space, who I kind-of-know, and whom I've done work for in the past, has offered to pay me to retouch some photos he wants to use as promotional material for his business. Here's the thing: He's not that good at what he does. While he's a nice enough guy, he's very much a slacko, half-arsed, she'll-be-right type when it comes to his profession. What he's asking me to do is cover up flaws in his past jobs so that he can show something fake to prospective clients.

Now, I know this kind of thing isn't new. People have been doing it since the invention of Photoshop. Hell, I've even done this sort of work before, in the past. The question is, should I be doing it.

*sigh* Life was so much simpler back in the days when I looked out for #1 and didn't give a shit about doing "the right thing".

What say ye?

Weekend again already ...

It feels like I only just got over the last one.

Me and my brother and his family spent the weekend at my other brother's place, having a bit of a family get together.

On Saturday night, I slept on a mattress on the floor while my brother and his missus slept in the guest bed. In the middle of the night, Terra went and jumped in between them. Terra is about 4. Her real name is technically not Terra, but she was nicknamed "Terror" soon after she started crawling and it's become more-or-less her real name. Terra may or may not be on some sort of behaviour spectrum, but she most definitely is babied and spoiled. Also, she's been obsessed with boobs ever since her mother bought her sister a training bra. On Sunday evening, my brother and his missus left their kids and went home, which meant I inherited the guest bed -- and Terra. I think I still have grab marks around my nipples and a footprint on my kidney.

And since Monday was a pupil-free day, and since my brothers are both teachers who are married to teachers, and since my work hours can sometimes be quite flexible, I got to spend Monday babysitting two batches of nieces and nephews.

We spent most of the morning in the lounge room. The kids wavered between playing games on their tablets and watching cartoons on the telly. I'm usually a fan of cartoons, but despite how entranced the kiddies were by the flashy visuals and dramatic music, I'd have to say that these ones were uniformly fairly awful. They all seemed to follow the same basic formula of characters "dueling" against each other in some sort of game/contest/battle involving things that I would guess are sold as collectible toys. Also, the female characters were all pretty generic and rubbish, which got up my nose a bit.

* Melbs, have you ever considered writing a children's adventure story with good female characters? I think the world could use a few more. *

One of the lads was thumb-wrestling a younger cousin. After beating her easily, he chanted "I win, you lose, now you've got a big bruise" and thumped her hard in the arm, reducing her to tears. I stormed over, thumped him in the arm, made him apologise, and gave him an earful of grief. Afterwards, I thought about the discussion we had here recently and wondered what I could have done to handle things better.

Half an hour later, the same lad came over and had a cuddle with me on the lounge. Then he asked if he could have some Coke.
- No, I said.
: Why?
- It's 10 in the morning. Too early for cool-drink.
: Why?
- ... 'cause it makes ya act like a total ratbag and I don't wanna put up with that, okay?
: Auntie Paula and Auntie Lilly lets me have Coke.
- Do I look like Auntie Lilly or Auntie Paula?
: ... No. They've got more hair, and wear makeup, and they're more prettier.
- ... You're gonna be lucky ta get lunch at this rate, mate.

While the kids may have been content to sit on their arses all day, I was not. The first thing I did was get them all in the kitchen making sandwiches. Then we put on our bathers and went down to the seaside. I shouldn't have bothered putting togs on the younger ones. I've already talked about how much the kids in my family like playing in the nude, and within about 15 minutes, Terra had cast her duds aside and was splashing around shouting about her bare boobies. Within 5 minutes of Terra stripping off, half of my mob were running around starkers as well. Then another young lass disrobed and joined in. Her dad quickly grabbed her and put her bathing suit back on. She immediately took it off again. So he put it back on. At this point, it turned into a struggle, and the lass began screaming and thrashing around. The dad gave me a filthy look before hauling her off to their car and driving away.

We ate our sandwiches and the wind picked up. The kids made a game out of watching the seagulls and ibis navigate the turbulence while racing for crusts. At one point, the wind got strong enough that the smaller kids were seeing how far they could lean into it without falling over.

So we abandoned the ocean and made our way to the park. The kids played on the equipment for a little while, and then we kicked a ball around for a bit. Then the kids decided they wanted to play poison ball. After a while, one of the lads, who is quite puny for his age, started getting upset because he couldn't hit anyone; so I decided to get "distracted" and "accidentally" walk into the path of one of the balls he'd thrown. Then, for the rest of the game, the little bastard kept saying shit like, "Ha-ha, Auntie Alex is really terrible. I can't believe how bad she is. Aim for Auntie Alex, she doesn't know how to dodge." I wasn't sure what to say about that one, so I let it slide.

Then we played a game where some people had to stay as still as possible while the rest tried to make them move/laugh/talk by doing and saying silly things. I was unbeatable at that one, until the rules were relaxed to allow tickling, and Terra of course, went straight for the bra.

By that time, the afternoon was getting on, and I decided that since everyone had been relatively good we should all get some ice-cream. Terra wanted a piggy-back, which was fine by me, since as long as she was on my shoulders, I didn't have to worry about her running onto the road, or into someone's legs, or  one of those standing menu boards, or something. The lady at the shop who sold us the ice-cream was probably about 20, and had curvy, pointy, banana-shaped breasts (you know the type). I mention this because Terra decided they were novel enough to comment on. "Arnnie Awix, dat lady's boobies are funny."

Fucking hell. I don't know what they're going to do with that girl.

We went home, had an early BBQ tea, said our goodbyes, and parted company. I like days when I get to spend time with the kids in my family; they're always lively and fun, but they're also exhausting and I'm buggered if I could actually raise a mob of the little mongrels myself. Melba, Squib, and parents everywhere, my hat is off to you.

***

I have decided that in commemoration of Cracker Night, I will be re-reading the fabulous 10 part V For Vendetta comic book miniseries, which I have not looked at in about 20 years. I will not be re-watching the shitty movie. If anyone would like to join me in this venture, let me know and I'll send you a digital copy.

The All Clear

Got my results today. Lump harmless.

Also, VitD and other blood-test results "normal".

Before I went in, I had every intention of asking for a copy of the results, so I could analyse the data myself. All that went out the window the minute I started talking to the doctor.

To be honest, I find it baffling that I've managed to live as long as I have, and still haven't mastered thinking and talking at the same time. It's like conversation is so taxing on my brain that it cuts off the juice to everything else. "Want to have a yarn do you luv? Well you'll just have to do without your memory or critical thinking skills until your done. It's not a bloody power-station in here, ya know."

Needless to say, I am quite disappointed with myself.

But the news is still great. So overall, I'd say I'm way out in front.

Also, my local supermarket looks like a haunted house exploded inside it. I'm not a fan of this country's appropriation of Halloween, but I'm slowly growing to accept that it's probably here to stay. What are you lot doing for "the spooky season"? Part of me wants to get a Guy Fawkes mask and start a bonfire down the local park. Don't they carve turnips where you are Squib?

WEEK OF THE WEEK (... ?)

RANT OF THE WEEK (or "Word Crimes")

As if in response to my previous post, today I'm listening to an American podcast (internet radio) in which a major topic of discussion is dealing with cyber-bullying; and of course that means revisiting the Apple-celebrity-nudes-leak-scandal (aka The Fappening). Okay; fair enough.

Me at the office a month ago. Dressed like Spider-Man, obviously.

What surprised me, was that the consensus opinion amongst the hosts was that stealing* the photos was a sex crime, and that anyone who looked at the photos was complicit in said sex crime. One bloke, who's a fucking university professor, said it was like how people who looked at child porn were complicit in the same sex crime as the person who abused the child.

I trust you'll tell me if I'm wrong on this one, but this whole premise just seems utterly fucked to me.

Firstly, possession of child porn isn't a sex crime. Filming yourself having sex with a child is a sex crime; possessing a copy of that film is a crime of, well, possession. I'm not defending anything here; what I'm saying is that some loathsome cunt who wanks off to horrifying pictures he finds on the internet is committing a completely different type of crime to the loathsome cunt who produced those pictures in the first place. It's like if someone bashes you, and while you're unconscious, some unrelated party steals your handbag. Yes, the thief is still a cunt, but he's not responsible for or complicit in the bashing -- whether you'd like him to be or not.

And let's not forget, nobody was actually abused, sexually or otherwise, in the production of these particular pickies. I'm sure the celebrities involved feel legitimately violated, but that's not a good reason to start arbitrarily expanding the definition of words. Under this new concept, if a pick-pocket lifts your mobile phone and it happens to have some candid photos on it, you may as well just label them a rapist, because it's basically the same as if they'd sexually assaulted you, right?

-- And another thing, cyber-bullying does not count as violence against women. Again, I'm not saying it's a good thing, but violence has a specific meaning that does not include typing nasty shit on a computer; nor should anyone be attempting to broaden the definition to include such things. Just call it what it is instead of playing with words to manipulate people's emotions.* --

... fucking hell; here's why this bugs me so much:

I don't know if it was weeks or months ago now (time just seems like a blur these days), but a little while ago, I heard a clip of British PM David Cameron saying that anyone who watched or shared ISIS beheading videos was complicit in an act of terrorism. ... the fuck?

Actually, I've noticed that in The States too, they seem to have started a process of gradually reclassifying regular crimes as acts of domestic terrorism. I guess once you label someone a terrorist, it's easier to justify killing them without any sort of due process.

And speaking of The US, remember with both the Manning and Snowden leaks, how in America there was debate about whether or not publishing or reporting on the documents was itself an act of treason? With the Manning case in particular, do you remember when Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Attorney General What's-His-Face said that Assange was a criminal, and spoke about revoking his citizenship, when he hadn't even been charged with anything? (Fuck, I lost a lot of respect for Gillard that day)

Words have to have meanings, and those meanings have to fucking well mean something. And just because something grubby happened that involved some pictures of tits, doesn't make it a fucking sex crime. I can understand why politicians try to get away with this type of bullshit, but when whole swathes of the media and supposed "public intellectuals" start arbitrarily broadening definitions to suit themselves, and nobody in the crowd says hold up, what the fuck are you doing? ... well, I don't know where the fuck it leads*, but I can't imagine it's anywhere good. So, um, fuck the lot of 'em. Cunts.

*Maybe the best example of where it leads is how now we all just blithely talk about intellectual property violations as stealing. Why? Because "stealing" sounds so much more egregious than "copying" doesn't it? But that's exactly what it is. You can't actually steal a fucking idea. We have a word that means the exact thing we're talking about, but we've been collectively trained to use a different word that means something else, because it has a stronger negative connotation.

I welcome all comments calling me a fuckwit on this.

VIDEOS OF THE WEEK (or "Isn't It All A Little Bit Bullshit?")

I listened to two ABC docos this week. Helen Garner's Monkey Grip, and The Making of Modern Australia Part 1: The Child. While I wouldn't rate either as "must watch", they were both pretty decent. However, as I listened to the first, I kind of became overwhelmed with a sense that skewed the way I listened to the second.

Basically, in the Monkey Grip doco, there's a bunch of older people talking about how the book perfectly captured the lives of a generation of Australians, and younger people talking about how it's this wonderful snapshot of Australian history, etc, etc. What only gets lightly touched on by Noni Hazelhurst towards the end is that it's really a snapshot of a specific group of people living in a specific part of Melbourne. And while I'm sure it reflected the lives of many people across Australia, I'm equally sure it didn't reflect the lives of many many more. So while, yes, for the people of that time and place, it was their whole world, it certainly wasn't the whole world.

At least there's one nude celebrity on the internet that I recognise.

Most people don't leave behind artifacts. They don't write books, or articles, or blogs, or probably anything really. And even of that small group that does, most of it just gets washed away by time. And then we take whatever's left and hold it up as defining examples of an era -- and it's just kind of bullshit, isn't it?
It's the same general problem I have with surveys and certain scientific studies. Isn't it true that you're only ever testing the kinds of people who are willing to participate? That your scope is limited to a subset of people who have a particular behavioural inclination? Of course, we'll never know the degree of the bias, because you literally can't test outside that group; but shouldn't you at least keep that in mind when looking at the results? 

How would you write a book that tells the story of "this generation of Australian"? (I guess you'd probably write something about fucking Facebook and mobile phones.) But look at Australia today, and how broad the culture is, and the variety and nuance and all that sort of crap. Look at the arguments, and differences in ideals, and lifestyles, and how different people living in different circles view things in completely different ways. (Hell, I guess everybody sees things at least a little differently, don't they?). But how much of that gets reflected in literature and media that anyone's going to look at a hundred years hence. Still, no doubt in a hundred years, people will be looking at the books and articles and other bits and pieces that have survived and are considered "historically significant", and they'll mold those tiny remnants into a canonical view of what things were really like, probably while chucking around word like revolution and zeitgeist -- and it'll all be a little bullshit, won't it?

I should say that I'm not in any way criticising works like Monkey Grip; I'm criticising the way they're sometimes presented in a historical context that's broader than what it maybe should be. I guess I'm just bitching about broadness today.

So, how about something on a lighter note?  

MUSIC OF THE WEEK (or "This Week In 1987")

I like to listen to non-lyrical music when I'm doing things that require a degree of concentration; and in more recent years, I've found myself listening to more and more electronic shit. This has in turn led to me listening to more and more non-non-lyrical electronic shit when I'm doing things that don't require so much concentration. 

 One of the acts that I've discovered and taken a shine to is Koobra - a DJ/musician from Helsinki Finland. He first came to my attention when I saw this promo video for a Nokia phone and got curious about the very 80s sounding song they'd used.

Anyway, it looks like he's partnered up with the mysterious "Joanna" again to produce this thing.
Maybe it's just because I've done video production work in the past, but I find this clip fascinating. The description on YouTube credits Pablo Films, which is also based in Helsinki and lists Nokia (formerly Finish) as a client; and there is some overlap with the names credited for the Nokia video.

To be honest, I think I'm mainly just impressed with how cheap it all looks. A camera, a couple of lights, a smoke machine, a fan, a dolly, a building, a paddock, a couple of stock shots, some makeup and a black sheet to drape over the singer and blow around with the fan. And yet it complements the song so beautifully. If it wasn't obviously shot on high-def digital video, this could easily be something plucked directly from the 1980s.

I don't know if the retro thing is big in Finland, but if they filmed this over a weekend for a modest price (as I'd like to imagine they did), then my hat is off to this lot.

What can I say, I appreciate economic and efficient creativity.

WINDOWS OF THE WEEK (or "What the Fuck Happened to 9?")

I don't know if you know this or not, but Microsoft has put out a free work-in-progress version of the upcoming Windows 10. You can read about and join the "Insider Program" here, or just skip all that bullshit and download it here.

While I don't care for Windows in general, It's not something I can really avoid, and I'd say this version is at least not looking too bad. While I definitely would NOT install this demo on my main computer, if you've got some hardware you're not using or know what a virtual machine is, it might be worth checking out. Depending on how they play their cards, this one might end up being the next XP (ie: everywhere for ages); so why not get a handle on it now, ay?

Now with LIVE TILES

Topless

Today, was the first day when it got properly warm. By which I mean over 30. I don't consider it properly warm if it's under 30.

And since I spent the day working from my home computer, I decided to whip my shirt off rather than pull the fan out and waste power.

When I was a youngster, we lived in places where the temperature regularly got over 40, and the nearest neighbours were miles away. Also, Dad had been in the army and had no shame whatsoever, and maybe that set the tone a bit too. Basically, we went naked or mostly-naked a lot.

As a young adult, it wasn't uncommon for people to strip off when they were on the piss. Of course, nobody had phones or fucking Facebook in those days.

If the world has changed, I don't think the family's has much over the years. My brother put up a high fence so he could garden naked. None of my nieces and nephews would think twice about playing naked in front of people, at least until the age of ten or so. About a quarter of the photos in my Mum's albums are of naked kids, which in this day and age, might be worrisome from a legal perspective. But I doubt anyone in the family's even given it a second thought.

I was thinking about all this while I looked out the window and wondered if any of the neighbours could see in. I suppose I should've been concerned about it, but I wasn't really. If anyone could see in, hopefully they weren't filming it on their fucking phone and uploading it to the net.

How was your day/weekend/week? Has it been warm where you are? Do you go topless/nude? What're your thoughts on the subject?

Lucky

The other day when I had my scan done, there was a woman in the waiting room who was built like this. That's a quick, cartoon sketch, but the proportions are not exagerrated at all.

Then a woman in her mid thirties came in, pushing a chair contianing a child about ten years old, who obviously had severe physical and mental disability. The woman's hair was messy and she had huge bags under her eyes. At one point, while they were waiting, the boy yelled out and threw a toy at the woman. In response, she swore under her breath and kicked him in the shin.

It made me think that no matter how the results come back (and there's no reason to think they won't be clear), I've already had a much better run than a lot of people get.

It's a pity I can't think that way more often.

The word of the day is "shibboleth"

Well, the last few days have made for a fairly unpleasant end to the week. If you haven't heard about the "Shellshock" bug that was found in Bash, you can read a fairly shitty article about it on The ABC website; or probably an news website, at this point.

***

Just from talking to other people on site, I get the impression that anti-Muslim sentiments are back on the rise. There's been a fair bit of talk about "sortin' these fuckin' camel jockey's out, once and for all", and "I knew it was a bad idea, lettin' all these rag-head cunts into the country". I'm not saying these sentiments aren't out there normally anyway, but it's just been more of an overt surface-level thing in the past couple of weeks.

I haven't been consuming much news outside the tech sector, so I'm playing some catch-up here. As I understand it, this all starts with The Islamic State In Iraq; a (non?) group so nebulous that nobody can decide exactly what to call it and their symbol is a generic Muslim flag. From what I gather, this, um, movement has been around in one form or another for ages, but earlier this year they started getting perilously close to the Kurdish-Iraqi city of Erbil, where Exxon Mobil and Chevron have a huge presence. At that point, America started dropping bombs to defend the Christian Yazidi people -- who turned out not to be Christian at all. So then these Islamic State jokers started releasing beheading videos -- which wasn't really a new thing. In fact, if you look, the internet is littered with gruesome torture and execution videos from the middle east. But these ones took the media by storm for some reason. Which was a bit odd, considering everyone in the media was making such a big deal about how they didn't actually watch any of them, and neither should anyone else. However, most of the independent analysis I've seen describes them as being weird, atypical and fake-looking (maybe I shall hunt them up).

A month ago, the executioner was identified as Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary. Which makes it puzzling that this article from today didn't mention his name, and appeared to give the impression that his identity is still a mystery.

So then a week ago, police in Sydney and Brisbane conducted raids, and nabbed a bunch of blokes who were planning to make their own beheading videos. But the whole case may or may not hinge on one phone-call that nobody's actually heard? Is that right? Meanwhile, a man in Melbourne has been killed after attacking police who were not(?) investigating him for threatening the PM; The Defense Force chief has apologised after a sailor retracted his claim that he was attacked by two men of middle eastern appearance; some fat cunt who may or may not have had a knife, did some ranting at an Islamic school; and I seem to remember a couple of months ago, police shutting down a Jewish school to investigate a toolbox in a ute which, for some reason, they thought might have been a bomb (it wasn't).

The takeaway from all this is that the AFP has been exercising its right to detain people without charge, and Labor and the Libs have teamed up to give the intelligence agencies expanded powers to spy on citizens and new protections from both whistle-blowers and prosecution? And we are being subtly cajoled into the idea that we need to get used to having fewer freedoms -- except in Queensland, where we are being overtly warned that we should expect to be stopped and searched by cops who are armed and jittery.

I'm not saying there's any type of conspiracy going on, but I'm sure I smell bullshit, opportunism, and fear-mongering at work here somewhere. It would be nice to have someone like Mr E around to ask about all this.

***

On a lighter note, I'd like to suggest some sort of a word-watch pool, that keeps an eye on terms that seem to be in uncommonly common usage. I'm going to kick things off with "shibboleth", which I think I've heard about three times this week, and prior to which, I think I'd probably heard about three times in total. Watch out for it being used to describe any kind of identifying marker that ties someone to a particular group. Also, feel free to suggest your own words. If this becomes a thing, I might do up a scoreboard or something. We'll see.

How's your week been.

***

EDIT

I've spent the day chasing news stories all over the web. This bloke is an ideologue and an activist, so if you watch his stuff, I recommend you put your critical thinker's hat on and get ready to be preached at. So, probably not that different to watching the regular news. But, at least his video transcripts contain links to full source material and have a sense of chronological context about them, which is not something you can say for most journalism these days.

I think this one's the most relevant:



This one's on the same topic, but from a year ago. There's some overlap, but more background, too. And this one's a general overview of American foreign policy. And this one's what makes it all happen.

And here's a series on Ukraine that I found interesting: one : two : three : four

I might have to keep an eye on this guy.

Half-Baked Sci-Fi Ideas And Crap

A while back we discussed dreams, and I mentioned that I write down dream ideas if I find them interesting enough. And just now, we've been talking about sharing unfinished stories with people.

So, I thought why not throw out some of my favourite half-baked story ideas that've come out of my dreams and taken root in my brain. Both of these are not so much stories, as they are premises for stories, and they're both inspired by my love of old sci-fi anthologies, like The Twilight Zone.

Probably most importantly, they're both ideas that I would like to explore in greater detail, but feel like I keep running up against the limits of my own intelligence. Basically, I would like to see someone much more clever than me have a go at these.

Ms Know-It-All

What would it be like if you knew everything? If you could effortlessly analyse every thought that everyone on the planet has ever had. If you could clearly picture every particle in every atom in the universe at once. If every aspect of reality was open and obvious to you. And if you could gaze back in time and see the very origins of existence. What would you do?

It wouldn't help you win the lottery, because you couldn't see the future, but you could probably own the stock-market. You could single handedly advance the human race to no end. You could invent and build every technology possible. You could cure every disease that was physically curable. But would you? What secrets would you keep to yourself? Why? And what if you wanted to use your once-in-the-history-of-mankind gift to reshape society and humanity itself?

You wouldn't be able to make your abilities public. You know that there are people who would have you killed. Would you set yourself up as a political puppet-master? Would you make yourself some sort of celebrity, or operate completely from the shadows. How would it all work? What would you have to do to achieve your goal? How far would you go to do it?

NOTE: I really wouldn't want this to devolve into a clichéd story of absolute power corrupting absolutely. There must be more interesting things you could do with it. 

Girl Power

The idea here is that a crazy, genius, feminist, scientist unleashes a highly contagious virus that infects every woman on earth; making them ten times stronger than men.

Fast-forward a thousand years; how has the world changed? Most cultural images of strength and power now depict women. Most of the world's combat troops are women. Action heroes in movies and comics are almost universally women. Men's sport has been reduced to a quaint sideshow. Sexual assault is a shadow of what it was. Domestic violence has been flipped. The cultural shift has led to women becoming a dominant force in business and politics.

Is the original scientist now considered a hero, villain, or something else. Is this hotly debated? Has the world changed from having more women in power, or have women changed? How? More masculine? What happens to men? Do they become more feminine in nature? Do they feel marginalised? Are they bitter and resentful? How does that surface? Do underground organisations of men with extremist views form? If they can't go out and bash/rape a woman without getting themselves killed, do they do something much worse?

***

So, has anyone seen anything that explores any of these ideas in an interesting way?

I know you guys are writers. Have you got story ideas bouncing around in your heads that just feel too big for you to think through properly? Are they sci-fi related, or something else?

Cartoon Roundup

So, I've been watching cartoons for the last couple of weeks. I like cartoons. In a way, they're a bit like comic books brought to life. With regular shows, the story telling is confined by the limits of the actors and the sense of "believability" that you can create. If you use the medium correctly, cartoons can be a much more robust medium for conveying ideas. Much like how a political cartoon in the paper can sum up a complex issue and make a clever commentary in a single panel; with animation, you can make a point by warping, exaggerating, emphasising, or omitting things in a way that's much harder to do in live action without breaking the suspension of disbelief.

How's that as a wanky justification for watching silly kid's shows?

Anyway, here's what I've been watching...

One Week Friends:

This one's a high-school drama from Japan. Hase is good-natured, awkward, not-overly-bright lad, with exactly one friend - the smart, cool, tall, hansome Shogo, who acts as his sounding board and voice of reason. Hase becomes enamored with and decides to try and court Fujimiya, a pretty and intelligent classmate who appears to have no friends at all. What Hase discovers is that Fujimiya has been intentionally isolating herself, because she has a mental disorder. About once a week, her brain malfunctions and wipes out all memory of the people she cares about (it's a little more convoluted than that, but that's more-or-less the gist).

So the show revolves around Hase's determination to help Fujimiya live as normal a life as possible in spite of her condition. Even though Fujimiya starts a journal, so that she can keep track of who her friends are, Hase's romantic intentions are stymied by the fact that their emotional connection is repeatedly obliterated and needs to be rebuilt from scratch. There's also the problem that, once she starts to be able to manage her problem, Fujimiya is a much more likable and endearing person than Hase, so once she starts being able to make more friends, there's the danger that Hase will be squeezed out.

It's a neat little show with an interesting premise and some genuinely touching moments; unfortunately, there's a but. Rather than going really in depth with the stuff I just talked about, towards the end, they decide to "spice things up" by introducing an antagonist who holds some terrible secrets about Fujimiya's past. Frankly, it's complete shit and a real shame. Still, I'd say it's worth watching for everything up until the final story arc. I found the scene where they watched fireworks on the beach truly heartwarming, and Fujimiya's mother egging Hase on in his romantic pursuits cracked me up.

8/10 (excluding the end) 

Looks like you can watch it here.

Kill la Kill:

Also from Japan, but completely different in tone, Kill la Kill is an absurd farce that lampoons other shows and animation conventions, while still managing to develop strong characters and tell its own story.

Set in a high-school where the student-council has absolute authority, even to the point of publicly executing those who step out of line. This control is maintained by the fact that the council manufacture their own school-uniforms, embedded with enigmatic "life-fibres", which give the wearer superhuman powers and abilities. Over the course of the show, we find out that the council controls the entire city and has its sights set on world domination.*

*Obligatory plot twist notwithstanding.

This get shaken up when tomboy-ish transfer student Ryuko shows up wearing her own sentient super-uniform and wielding a giant half-scissors that is able to slice through life-fibres. Will she be able to fight her way to the top of the school's pecking order and uncover the mystery of her father's murder? Will she be helped or hindered by the secret underground resistance movement known only as "Nudist Beach"?

You'll need to have a very particular sense of humour in order to make it to the end and find out. If I had to make comparisons, I'd say this is a bit like an animated Naked Gun or Spaceballs, but with enough of a proper storyline to keep things tense and interesting for two dozen episodes. It's a particular taste, and the pacing does seem off in a few places (a little bit of a drag at times) but I think overall, it does what it does quite well.

8.5/10 (including the end)

And this one looks to be up here.

Gravity Falls

This one's from America and probably needs the least amount of explaining, since it's similar in tone to well established shows, like Futurama; only much more kid-friendly.

Dipper and Mabel are twelve-year-old cousins who are on holidays at their uncle's place in Gravity Falls - some hick town out in the backwoods somewhere. In each episode they encounter bizarre phenomenon that the locals seem either oblivious to or strangely accepting of. This gives it a bit of an X-Files / American Gothic vibe.

The show has strong continuity, and plot threads that develop over time. I don't know how you'd go watching the episodes out of order. And for a show that draws a lot of entertainment value from silly humour, it can also be remarkably mature at times. A good example of this is the crush that Dipper develops on an older girl, Wendy (far right); which becomes a motivator for a lot of things in season 1. The way this gets resolved at the start of season 2 is probably what put this on my definite recommends list.

I'd also like to make mention of the dynamic between the two protagonists, Dipper & Mabel. Even though they squabble like most siblings, they're also portrayed as best friends. I find it really neat.

9/10

Unfortunately, you're on your own in finding this one.


There you go. I don't know how you feel about animated shows, but if you don't mind them, there might be something here for you. Also, I'm thinking I might do a best cartoons ever post at some point.


EDIT: These two scenes are from the first episode of season two. I think they stand up okay on their own, and they kind of show off the tonal range of the show.

1) The Pine family are throwing a party. Mabel wants to sing karaoke with Dipper and Grunkle (Great Uncle) Stan, Dipper accidentally raises the dead, Stan comes to the rescue.

2) The Pines discover that the zombies are susceptable to "a perfect three-part harmony". Mabel gets her wish.

Fucking Lumps

It's amazing how something so small can cause so much anxiety.

I found a new one tonight in the shower and haven't been able to stop groping myself since. It's ridiculous. There's only a tiny fraction of a chance that there's anything sinister about it, and even if there is, there's no point in worrying about it. In fact, considering the way the placebo/nocebo effect works, it's quite possible that worrying about this stuff could actually be harmful.

Still, I know this is going to be on my mind until I get it checked out. Looks like once I get home, I'm going to have to get off my arse and find a new doctor. I might finally be able to see about getting a vitD test while I'm at it, too.

I hope you're in good health.

Baby Elephants Are Adorable

Who woulda thunk it?

I saw the end of this show on the weekend. It's the first time I've seen an elephant being born. Also, I didn't realise that elephants have breasts between their front legs, rather than any kind of rear udder.

Anyway Melbs, it struck me that you might be in the mood for some of this sort of caper at the moment, what with your own daughter reaching (legal) adulthood, etc, etc.

Nothing special going on here. Been very busy. Didn't have any time off over the weekend. Been watching cartoons in the evening.

The loud fuckers next door have been fucking loudly. The condom argument has cropped up a couple more times, but I don't get the sense that she's budging on the issue. Thankfully, they seem to go at it mostly in the early evenings, so I don't have to listen to it while I'm trying to sleep.

No crazy shenanigans or off-the-wall conversations. No other news at all really. Am planning a cartoon roundup when I have some time off.

Maybe.

Bet you're looking forward to that one.

ZZZzzzZZZ

This post is probably going to run the risk of coming off as moping self-indulgence with a side order of sympathy-fishing; however, that's not how it's intended. It's more just about fascination with how the brain works.

That's my story anyway, and I'm sticking to it. And in order to combat the possibly dour tone this is going to take, I'm using a bunch of cheerful colours. Take that, brain!

***

Today, we briefly talked about guilt over wasted opportunities; and you also mentioned that P was having anxiety dreams. This  got me thinking about some of my own issues around sleep.

DREAMS

I have two types.

Type 1 - Audio only: The most common. All senses are completely blocked, like an out-of-body experience, except there is a noise. Usually it sounds like there's talk-back radio playing in the next room, but it's turned down too low for the voices to be distinguishable. Sometimes there's music playing, sometimes it's really good.

Type 2 - Audio & Video: These dreams work like a movie or video game. I view the action from a disembodied third person perspective. Usually there's a character whom I recognise as being an avatar -- a protagonist, if you will. Sometimes it's a woman, sometimes a man, sometimes an animal, but it's never me. The level of control I have over the actions of the avatar varies greatly. Sometimes I even get "god-like" control over the whole dream-world. That's pretty fun.

From listening to other people talk, I think my way of dreaming is atypical. I don't mean the content, which I'm not going into, since it's mostly pretty absurd, but, um, the format, I guess? For example, my dreams are never first-person and they never feel "real". What are yours like?

PRE-SLEEP

Here's where things get dark. I hate going to sleep. I don't mean I hate sleeping, but I hate that period between when I start to go to sleep and when I actually get there. In that space of time, my mind floods itself with all the self-loathing it can muster. Every bad thing I've ever done, every poor choice I've ever made, and every opportunity I've ever wasted, rips into my brain like a famished hyena. I really do get the meaning of the phrase "how do you sleep at night?" The last thing that goes through my mind before I get to sleep at night is how much better off the world would be without me.

Sucks balls, doesn't it?

If this is a common experience, I can only imagine what war veterans go through. The only remedy I've found is with exercise. If I exhaust myself physically before bedtime, I can drop off to sleep fairly quickly, so the regrets don't get a chance to get a good foothold before I'm completely out of it.

What's it like when you fall asleep?

Do you experience any other weird brain shit, either sleep related or not?

The Quieting

Nothing funny this time I'm afraid. I said that I'd had my fill of awkward, strained conversations, and since then, there haven't been any. Marvellous. I should try asking for things more often. I wonder if it'll work on Mathias Cormann?

Anyway, conversations with Old Mate from China have been professional, if a little curt. At least he hasn't brought up penis size, or shown me anymore porn. But that's not to say there hasn't been porn around. This leak of celebrity nudes, aka: "The Fappening", has been pretty hard to get away from. But I suppose it goes to something I said just recently, it does seem like everyone is taking photos of everything all the time now.

... and uploading them to the cloud. Apparently.

Bloody hell.

Anyway, as I said, um, somewhere, there's a lot of file trading going on out here. Everyone's got a laptop, or one of those portable media player thingies, or both. I've seen some very interesting animated shows. Must remember to write about them.

That's it. How was your week? If you're reading this in a few days time, then how was your weekend?

Foreign Affairs Confusion Continues

If you read the previous post, the title of this one is probably going to be completely misleading.

 Today I was flagged down by two german girls whose van had broken down.

ANNA: Excuse me, our van have broken down. Could you help, please?

ME: Um, yeah, ya wanna lift into town?

ANNA: No, we call the auto-mechanic on the mobile phone, and he says he will be coming soon.

ME: ... Right. So, do you need something ... ?

ANNA: Ja. You see, our English is not so good. We think we might need someone to, um, translate when the auto-mechanic gets here. 

ME: ... You're German, right?

ANNA: Ja.

ME: ... Do you think I speak ... German? ... For some reason?

ANNA: ... Well, no, but you understand what I'm saying, ja?

ME: ... Yeah. Your English sounds fine. I can't see why a mechanic would have trouble understanding you.

Anna shoots Julia a worried look and then turns back to me with pleading eyes.

ANNA: ... um ... okay. I understand if you need to go. ... but ... um ...

ME: Okay, *sigh* {fuckit} I can probably stay until the mechanic gets here.

ANNA: Danke! Danke! Thankyou!

It's probably a good thing I did. They didn't have any water or toilet-paper with them. Something which earned them a proper scolding from Grumpy Aunty Alex™.

So ... the translation thing was obviously bullshit, but the question is, what were they really scared of? That someone would pull up and attack them? That the mechanic was going to be a rapist? Or try to rip them off? Or rob them? Or that he'd demand sex as payment? Or that he wouldn't come at all? Are there stories in Germany about devious roadside mechanics in Australia? Is my brain going to the wrong place after what happened two nights ago? And why not just be honest about whatever they were worried about?

I think I've had my fill of weird strained conversations, for a few days at least. I'm not a great conversationalist, even at the best of times. How's things with you?

To My Mysterious Confidant

So, in the movies, every woman has their best mate, or little clique of girlfriends that they can talk to about anything. I guess that's a good way of generating expositional dialogue, but it's also easy (for me) to fall into the idea of thinking that's how it is for "normal" women in the real world, too.

Which means I'm not a normal woman. Not if that's an indicator, anyway. I can't think of anyone outside my family right now that I'd want to talk to about personal shit; and if I talk to someone in the family, I know it's just a matter of time before it gets back to my folks. It's not that I couldn't talk to my folks about anything (Theoretically. I guess.), but I want them to enjoy their last years as much as possible, without having to concern themselves, or even be aware of, the silly fucking concerns of their silly fucking reprobate daughter.

So, Melbs ... that pretty much leaves you. You're an intelligent, thoughtful, and understanding enough person that I feel like I can have a (semi) serious chat (don't want to get too maudlin here) with you, and you're removed enough from my regular life, that I feel like it could be about pretty much anything (Except maybe some of the older stuff. Maybe. But that's not important right now). Sorry to spring this on you, but this may be the point where this blog jumps the shark and turns into a much more pathetic and less well written version of Perseus' posts about his romantic misadventures. Or not.

Continue at your peril!

BACKGROUND:
You remember Sammo (I think that was the name I used)? He's the bloke I sometimes work with, who has a really mean, sleazy sense of humour.

And you remember a while back that I mentioned some dealings with a Chinese fella who's been expanding his business into Australia?

Well ...

Last night, I go over to the Chinese bloke's room for a quiet tea consisting of meat, salad, and some shop talk.

He starts by offering me a type of beer I've never seen before, with a label I can't read. I hold up my tea pot in response ...

ME: Ta, but nah thanks. I reckon I'm pretty right, 'ay. I might pinch ya kettle but.

HIM: So, Alex, have you got marry since the last time I see you?

ME: ...... aaaaaahhhhh, no. How 'bout you?

HIM: No, but I looking.

ME: ...... um, haven't found anyone then, 'ay?

HIM: No, not in China. I think is better to look in Australia. Much better women here, you know?

ME: ..... um, issat right? ... um, like how d'ya mean?

HIM: I don't know how to describe it. Maybe is just like personal taste, you know? But like, I enjoy the company more than with Chinese girl, you know?

ME: Well, um, a good lookin' bloke like you shouldn't have trouble findin' someone decent, 'ay? {I should introduce him to Tanya. Yeah, no I shouldn't}

HIM: You think so?

ME: Yeah. No worries.

We spend a few hours discussing stuff like the infrastructure his business uses to circumvent the great firewall, and if it can be done better, cheaper, more securely, etc. I think he drinks about a sixpack in that time.

Then he starts asking me about little maintenance issues with his laptop. Why can't I do so-and-so; when I do this, I get that message; can I make it do such-and-such; etc, etc. At some point, I fix a codec problem with his media player and he starts playing music. It sounds like a fairly generic mix of greatest hits type stuff. He rolls a joint and lights it up. He offers it to me but I shake my head.

HIM: I can't believe you. You don't drink and you don't smoke. How do you, like ahhh, relax and unwind?

ME: ... I guess I'm generally, um, relaxed enough, 'ay?

HIM: Yeah, you a pretty cool chick, 'ay?

Laughing

HIM: I think I need you.

ME: .... ?

HIM: I think you come and work for me. Just for computer. Because I'm so bad with computer, you know?

ME: I dunno. Most of this shit's in Chinese. I dunno what any of it means. I'm really just fumbling around.

HIM: Don't worry about that. I teach you. Is easy. If I learn English, you can learn Chinese. Oh wait, look at this ...

He clicks on a folder, and a bunch of porno images with little "play" icons pop up. He clicks on one and the video starts to play over the top of Red Hot Chili Peppers "Suck My Kiss" (I don't know if that's the proper title, but you know the song.)

HIM: You see this? Seemore give me all this porno movie. He say that most of it come from you. That you really like the porno movie.

ME: ... Wait, who?

HIM: Say-more.

ME: Say ... more?

HIM: Say ... mo?

ME: ... Oh, fuckin' Sammo ... yeah, that'd be right. {I'd be amazed if the cunt didn't also say that I'm a raging nymphomaniac who roots multiple blokes at once and proselytises the wonders of double penetration. ... Oh fuck, I just said "that'd be right", implying that I did give Sammo all that porno? Shit, do I get all serious and set the record straight here, or just laugh it off?}

HIM: Some of it is very strange. Is just a man with another man. I don't like that, you know. But some of it is very good. Before, I only see Japanese porno movie with Asian girl. Australian girl is much better, you know?

ME: Oh, um, right ...

On the screen, a sheila is vigorously riding a bloke atop one of those big exercise balls. *boing, boing, boing*

HIM: So, what kind of man do you like?

ME: ............... {Quick, buy some time by making an umm noise} ummmmmmmm {The fuck? Is this chit-chat because he thinks I'm into porn? Does he think I asked Sammo to give him that porn because I'm interested in him? Is he interested in me? Why (can't be looks or charm)? If so, to what end? Is he thinking of a one-night thing or something more? Is that what the job shit was about? But what about the marriage shit? Is he chasing a sham-marriage with an Aussie? If so, would that be so bad? What would I stand to gain? What are the risks? What would I have to do? He's not a bad looker. Seems all right. That stupid bloody author woman says to just put the canoe in the water and paddle. How would that go? Am I a person of low moral fibre for even considering it? Or that my mind went there when it wasn't even really being offered? Maybe I should introduce him to Tanya. The fuck is wrong with me? Shouldn't I have figured some of this out by now? Maybe it's a cultural divide. Maybe I'm over-thinking things because I'm sober. *boing, boing, boing*. Wait, are those two still shagging on that exercise ball? Holy fuck, is Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" playing? Jezus Christ. Shit, I haven't answered yet ... } mmm ...

I look up and realise I've been staring at the screen and he's been staring at me. *boing, boing, boing*

ME: ... um, Yeah. That's a hard one to answer. Actually, did you hear that one of our federal MPs got asked that question on radio?

HIM: No?

ME: Yeah, she reckons she wanted a bloke with a big dick an' lotsa money.

HIM: Really? She say that on the radio?

ME: Yeah. Media had a field day with it. {Nice sidestep, Alex}

HIM: So, you also like man with really big dick?

ME: {Oh fuck, where does this end?}

Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh. The bloke on the screen starts wanking off into the sheila's mouth.

ME: {Fuckin' hell} Ha, ha. Well, ah, doesn't everyone, 'ay? But, um, well, um, anyway, she was from the Palmer Party. Y'know, the ones who called the Chinese a pack of communist mongrels who shoot their own, or whatever it was. She's actually the one that, um, reckoned that we need missiles here to fend off a possible invasion, y'know? That get much press over there?

HIM: Meh. It got some press, but I don't think there is that much concern. Besides, it's a complicated issue, and not all of what she say is wrong ...

The conversation mercifully swings away from penis size, and there is no more porn movies or talk of job offers or marriage for the evening.

But who knows what the next few weeks have in store? Which is why I encourage you to do your own analysis of this fucking oddball evening and let me know what the fuck you think was going on. Hopefully, the only issue here is in my head. But while it's in my head, it's still an issue. And I need outside input. Do you think a male perspective would help? Or a Chinese one? Do you know anyone who might know?

Basically, I'm shit at dealing with people.

Also, I saw a scrub turkey.

Gobble, gobble, gobble*

* Yeah? Who the fuck asked you?

Long Rambly Postcard

TANYA UPDATE

Since this post is going to be a mishmash of shit anyway, I thought I may as well answer your question on Cousin Tanya here Melbs.

Tanya has gone home. I hope that's by choice and not necessity. I like to think there are heaps of people she could crash with short-term, but honestly ... I don't really know. Mostly I just hope she sorts things out once and for all with that fella she's got.

It's funny how things that were driving me up the wall a week ago, now seem like charming antics. Let me share some highlights:

TANYA GETS COLD: INEBRIATION LEVEL 8.5

ME	(Comes out of the bathroom to find her sitting at the table, rummaging through my handbag, with an unlit durry hanging from her gob) ... Looking for something?
HER	... (makes clicking motion with hand) Heater.
ME	Heater? You mean a lighter?
HER	...Nah ... mmm'col
ME	(Walks over to table, picks up remote from right in front of her, turns heater up a few degrees)
HER	(Staggers outside and smokes her durry next to the heater's cold-air outlet)
ME	(Checks handbag to make sure everything is where it should be)

TANYS GETS HUNGRY: INEBRIATION LEVEL 8

HER	Wassa number forra pizza place?
ME	... You wanna pizza?
HER	Yeah. You gotta number?
ME	... I'd have to look it up. Y'know it's after midnight? The security gates are closed. We'd have to go and wait for it in the street.
HER	'salright, I'll goin' do it.
ME	You wouldn't even make it down the stairs without help.
HER	Don'be a fuckin' bish 'lexy. 'm no' tha' fggan drunk.
ME	(Pulls up the websites of all the pizza places I can think of) They're all closed, Tanya
HER	Yeah, we'll fuckin' see, ay'? (Calls the first one) Fuckin' cunts! (Calls the second) Poofters! (Calls the third) Fuck you, dickhead! (Etc ...)
ME	... Not open?
HER	(Plays with her phone in silence for about 10 minutes) Whaddid ya reckon ya wanted on ya pizza again?

TANYA GETS HORNY: INEBRIATION LEVEL 7

HER	Fuck this sittin' around here. Let's go out.
ME	... It's 11 on a Thursday. Nothings open. And I've gotta work.
HER	Fuck it. Chuck a sicky. You work too much anyway. Y'need some fuckin' balance mate.
ME	I don't drink anymore.
HER	That's ya fuckin' problem luv. C'mon, we'll go out an' have a few drinks, and find ourselves a couple of nice lookin' fellas, yeah?
ME	I'm not fuckin' 20 anymore.
HER	Wha'? 'zat the last time y'had any? When you were fuckin' twenty, ay'? Ho mate, we really do need to get you out there. Might stop a few tongues from wagging too. Ha. And if I'm lucky, it might start some tongues wagging. Or at least one, ay'? Ha, ha.
ME	You're done with ****** then?
HER	Ha. Ha. Put it this way, If ya want the cunt, ya can have the cunt. But I don't think ya want the cunt. Alright, get somethin' decent on.
ME	Where the fuck are we going? Nothin's open.
HER	... ... ... Whabout the casino?
ME	The fuckin' casino? That's fuckin' miles away. Taxi'll cost a fortune, and you'll be asleep by the time we get there. I'll be asleep by the time we get there.
HER	Y'know where we can get some wizza?
ME	Maybe {Shit, should have just said no} But not at 11PM on a Thursday.
HER	Alright, I'll start gettin' ready. You see if ya get on. (Spends the next hour getting ready to go out and then falls asleep in a chair, spilling scotch everywhere)

WEEKLY UPDATE

I spent part of this week helping to wire up a new building. The bloke I'm working with is a bit of a card. I'll call him Choo/Chooey. Here are some choice quotes from old Chooey:

• It seems everything has decided to be fucked today, ay' Miss Alex?
• Fuck these cheap Chinese screws. Cunts wouldn't even cut my daily constitutional.
• That's what Mr Brian says Miss Alex. But who knows; he is a pretty big dickhead.
• This is not rain. This is just pissing me off.

The other part of the week has been spent fiddling with Mac computers. This has been less fun. I have no love for Windows, and Macs do have a UNIX~y feel to them, but since I've never been able to justify dropping a small fortune on one, I'm just not as familiar with them.

But enough of that rubbish. The real highlight has been the evenings. Sitting out on my little veranda with a pot of tea, WATCHING THE BIRDS. Here's what I've seen.

Magpies

The first day I was here, I watched one of these fellas hop around on the grass for an hour, hunting lawn grub. Magpies get a bad wrap for swooping folks, but how can you hate anyone who can sing like that, eh?

Peewees

Speaking of swooping people, it's amazing these fellas can even fly, considering how big their balls must be. There's nothing like watching a peewee give a kite-hawk a pizzeling.

Kite-Hawks

Raptors might be the most majestic of all the birds. Except when they're getting a pizzeling from a big-balled peewee. Then they're comedy gold.

Currawongs

Similar to the magpies, only they hunt their grubs up in the trees. They also have a nice voice.

Kookaburras

The iconic look, the iconic noise. There's nothing like waking up to the sound of one of these jokers.

Willie Wagtails

I'm overjoyed to see these fellas hanging around. When I was younger, I used to love watching them play in the sprinkler and scavenge a feed from under the bug-zapper. Obviously, it's mating season, as the little scamps are chasing each other all through the trees. So much personality. I love them.

Fairy Wrens

These tiny wee fellas are probably the most adorable thing I've seen this trip. The pretty little blue and white males chasing the cute little brown females around the bushes. According to Wikipedia, the blokes woo the sheilas by presenting them with coloured flowers and leaves and things. Apparently, they also pair for life but often have sex outside that pairing. It all sounds a bit familiar, doesn't it?

Crows

I could do without these fellas, to be honest. Crows are about the only birds I ever see around home these days. It's not that I hate them, but they do get a bit monotonous. Especially with the racket they make. "Rark! Rark!" is not exactly pleasing to the ears.

Cockatoos

Obviously Tanya's visit has rubbed off on me, as I feel the need to make a joke about how nice it is to see a cock-or-two. You'll have to forgive me for that.

Pigeons

Meh. If I want to look at pigeons, I'll go into Brisbane, where there's millions of the bastards.

*(All pickies courtesy of Wikimedia)*

I'd also like to mention that during a sober moment last week, Tanya told me about a bandicoot that moved into her home. They started feeding it after it beat up a cat that was hanging around.

*sigh* There's things about the bush that I miss so much, I fantasise about throwing it all in and moving back out here. I can't see it happening though. I've grown too addicted to big-city conveniences. I am a woman torn. 

TV UPDATE

Catalyst had a two-part special on gut bacteria. One of the first things they talked about in part one, was that when babies are born, they get smeared with slime (can't think of proper term right now) from the vagina. This slime contains gut bacteria which find their way over from the anus, and eventually onto the baby, and then into the baby's mouth, and then the baby's intestines. What this means is that our bodies actually evolved to facilitate a certain amount of anus-to-vagina contamination, so that helpful bacteria could be passed onto our children. Apparently, this was discovered when people realised that children born via cesarean tend to have a less-than-optimal balance of gut bacteria.

For some reason, I thought you might find that as interesting as I did. I think you can watch it on the Catalyst website.

And tying in with birdwatching (in an outdated and possibly offensive way), I find myself infatuated with the look of Sabra Lane, who seems to pop up at irregular intervals on 7:30 Report now.

I'm putting her onto the list of subject matter (along with the Fairy Wrens and Willie Wagtails) for when I find my artsy shoes again.  

Speaking of 7:30 Report, I have stuff I wanted to rant about on the subjects of Islamic State In Iraq and Jacqui Lambie, but that might have to wait for its own post. I feel like I've been writing this one forever now.

Hope everything is good with you.
Luv

Alex