The sad story of cousin Jim*

*All names have been changed in an attempt to thwart Google.

I got a call from my cousin Jim last night. I get a steady stream of gossip about Jim over the family grapevine (and I assume he gets the same about me), but this is the first time we've had direct contact in the last few years. Jim was calling me for advice on how to tell if his computer is infected with malware. He was worried, because he's been spending a lot of time lately, chatting to single women in Belarus. Why has he been chatting to single women in Belarus, you might ask? To answer that question properly, we'll have to jump back about fifteen years.

For a while, Jim and I lived in the same town. He's a bit younger than I am, but we still pretty much shared the same circle of friends. One of the people in that circle was a bloke named Paul. Good looking, quick witted, life of the party, recreational heroin user. Not that he advertised that last one. Actually, he was the sort of bloke you couldn't help but love, until you heard his ex-girlfriends talk about what he was like when he needed money for a fix. Then he was the sort of bloke you got nervous being alone with.

Anyway, back to Jim. Jim settled down with Mary, whom I knew a little bit, but not too well. Jim got a job in the resources sector, working two-weeks on, one week off. He wasn't ever actually away from home, but when he was working, all he did at the house was eat and sleep. But the money was good. It allowed them to buy a little plot of land just out of town, where they could have a big shed, chooks, a veggie patch, fruit trees, a dam, and a motorbike track. Perfect for raising kids. And raise kids they did. Four of them. And since Jim was bringing in plenty of money, it meant Mary got to stay home, take care of the kids, and run the household. Which was perfect for her. Well, for a while, anyway.

Apparently, once the youngest one started school, Mary started getting awfully bored during the weeks when Jim was at work. So she started gambling online. Then she started driving into town every day to play the pokies. This led to her becoming close friends with Paul, who was at the pub for lunch most days. And then she and Paul started rooting.

So, one day Jim comes home from work and finds a note from Mary, saying she's left and won't be coming back. He later finds out that all their savings are gone and she's racked up thousands of dollars of debt on their credit cards. Now Jim finds himself in a situation where he can't afford to quit his job, and must live with the knowledge that his kids, including his teenage daughter, are spending two out of every three weeks under the same roof as a dangerous junkie and whatever dodgy mates he has around. Not only that, but whatever money he gives Mary for the kids is probably either going into a pokie machine or up Paul's arm.

His solution? Find a new missus who's willing to stay home and look after the kids while he's at work. "I can't find one out here", he tells me, "All the single sheilas out here are hooked on fuckin' ice. They don't even bother tryin' t'cover up the fuckin' track marks in their arms anymore. It's fuckin' shockin'. So I've started talkin' t'these Belorussian sheilas online, and they seem keen as". I listen as he fills me in on just how keen they are, and yes, they do sound very, very keen indeed. Perhaps a little too keen. "Look, I know I've gotta be careful with this stuff, there's like, scammers and that out there an' that, but mate, I've gotta do somethin', ay?"

In short, yes I think cousin Jim's computer probably has malware on it. But I also think that's going to be the least of his worries for the foreseeable future.