Fear not—gentle reader—this post does not contain any descriptions of horrifically creepy nightmares about ancient amazonian civilisations industrialising the process of procreation. Nope; this one's nothing more than a good old-fashioned spleen-venting. Just the thing to keep your insides clean, 'ay? And so—without further ado—I present for your consideration—(drum-roll)—my latest list of "things that can get fucked". Please feel free to add your own entries in the comments below.
1. Centimetres
I don't know how many times these little pricks have fucked me while I've been trying to do quick calculations in my head. Look, we've got millilitres, litres, and kilolitres; we've got milligrams, grams, and kilograms; and we've got millimetres, metres, and kilometres—all nicely spaced out in orders of 1,000. And then we've got centimetres, inserting themselves where they're not needed and fucking it up for everybody. Look, I'm not talking about reforming standard prefixes; what I'm saying is that they need to fall out of common usage. Instead of having a thirty-centimetre ruler, why can't we just have a three-hundred-mil ruler? Nobody uses decimetres, decametres, or hectometres, so why do we have to put up with this redundant little turd spoiling the punch? The answer is, we don't. Centimetres can get fucked!
2. Borobi The Koala
The mascot for the Gold Coast Commonwealth Games was unveiled the other day, and he's a blue, surfing koala. Yeah, okay, alright, I'm fine with that. The problem is, he's fuckin' ugly.
… the fuckin' real-life costume looks like the physical manifestation of one of those utterly lifeless flash-animation abominations you find on questionable educational websites.
Sorry Borobi—blame your creators, but you're a soulless, dead-eyed monstrosity, and you're going to have to get fucked.
As an aside, Fatso, the fat-arsed, wombat is still the best sporting mascot this country has ever produced.
Now that's fuckin' adorable.
Oh, and while we're on the subject of the Gold Coast Games, Tom Tate can get fucked too. What kind of clown spends $40million on an aquatics centre (I could probably end the sentence there) and doesn't put a fuckin' roof over it? The answer: this kind …
3. Kelly O'Dwyer
From Costello advisor to "assistant treasurer and minister for small business" in under two election cycles. I sense the force is strong with this one—she'll probably go far, provided she can keep herself out of any seriously deep shit. On the other hand, is there anybody who can listen to this woman speak without wanting to chew their own ears off? Is there some sort of class these jokers take on how to be obnoxious and anti-charismatic?
Oh, and while I'm at it, neo-liberal think-tanks like The Centre For Independent Studies can get fucked as well.
4. April Fools Day
Do I even need to go into this one? Seriously, fuck April Fools.
*Bonus*
While we're at it—even though I am in favour of scrapping daylight-savings—I implore you—the next time some smug cunt tells you we should abolish time-zones and all just use GMT, punch them in their stupid fuckin' mouth and ask them if they know what it's like to try to organise a fuckin' schedule when the fuckin' date changes in the middle of the fuckin' day rather than the middle of the fuckin' night.
Timezone-abolitionists can get fucked!
…
Alright, now it's your turn. Go on, you'll feel better for it, I promise.
17 comments :
Wow, that smurf-koala looks like he has skin cancer on his sunburnt nose, bandaid and all
I have to think about my rant. I will be back!
Looking forward to it, Squib.
Y'know, even though I didn't pick up on it, everybody else that I've spoken to about koala-smurf has commented that his nose looks cancerous.
Periods. Fucking hate that lousy bastard time of month. They can put people into space but they can't get rid of menstruation? Bleeding every month is fucking archaic. Mothernature, I hate you and your shitty gift that just keeps on giving
Litter. There should be a death penalty for littering. String the the fuckers up somewhere. People would think twice about dropping their ice cream wrappers in the pond at the park if there was a skeleton hanging there
Feels good, doesn't it?
1) Agreed. It is fucking archaic and I can't wait to be over it. Just out of curiosity, have you ever experimented with hormone induced menstrual suppression?
2) Also agreed. And while you're at it, do the arsholes who let their pets shit all over public spaces too.
What do you mean? The pill?
I'm one of the lucky 10% who get mega heavy periods. It's pretty much ruined my life in many ways. I recently got a Mirena. There are unpleasant side effects (and who knows what unknown side effects further down the track) but overall it's way better than bleeding almost to death all the time
Well, yes, a Mirena was one of the possibilities I was thinking of. If you don't mind my asking, what side-effects have you had so far? Personally, I've always felt uncomfortable about the idea of living my life with a tiny grappling-hook wedged in my uterus—but then—I'm not living with the same problem you are.
And yes, pills were the other option I was thinking about. As I understand it, there are pills now that are designed to limit bleeding to a few days a year. And while I've never spoken to anyone directly about long-term suppression, I have heard second-hand success-stories from family members.
I found this short fact sheet—which must be accurate, because they wouldn't be allowed to put it on the internet if it wasn't.
I tried the pill re: the above ages ago. Maybe newer pill is different but it didn't supress my stupid periods. Made them unpredictable and turned me into a moody bloated thing
Side-effects mainly spotting (nearly constant) and on and off bloating (for the first 5 weeks I looked seriously 5 months pregnant). And the other side effects - not sure if they are Mirena or me getting old: weird pins and needles in left leg and arm (hope that's not MS!). Also, skin much ruddier than usual. Oh and I get the odd pinching twinge in my uterus like it's maybe put in there wrong. So no way I'd use it otherwise
Jesus, Squib; the pinching sensation was something I always imagined, but it actually sounds like the least of the problems. I wish I had something more useful to say, but I'm mostly just thankful not to be in that boat with you.
Periods can get fucked.
Holy crap, now that I've read your post about the Mirena, I'm not getting one!! Bloating? I already am fat enough to look five months gone! And spotting can go get fucked too. I'd rather suffer like hell for the first day of my period instead (which is the problem my doctor suggested it for). The fucking bleeding - I call it "stuck pig day", which amuses hubby (he's not bothered by it though), the feeling like my labia are the size of footballs and weight ten kilos each, that's the worst. Napogesic can reduce the bleeding but the football lips remain regardless. I can't wait for fucking menopause. Bring on those hot flushes, surely they can't be any worse. (though most of the women in my family didn't seem to suffer much from that, so I might be lucky anyway)
Oh yeah and the time-zone abolishes can get fucked too. Do they all expect us to get up and work in the middle of the night and sleep during the day because that's what they will do in the lucky part of the world that GETS TO KEEP THE SUN?
Timezone-abolishonists expect us to keep doing exactly what we're doing now, but resent our clocks so that technically we go to work at 9pm and knock off at 5am the next day.
The idea is that if I tell Nina in New york and Lucy in London that I need something by 5am Friday, neither of them have to work out what that translates to in their local timezone.
The problem is that having the date change in the middle of the workday makes regular, local, day-to-day scheduling and organisation a fucking nightmare, since every "real day" takes place over two different "calendar days" and vice-versa.
Also, the longer this thread goes on, the luckier I feel that usually the worst thing I get is a feeling like I'm going to fucking freeze to death.
So they really expect us to get up and go to work at night? What about daytime activities like sports, and getting exercise and so on? If you were the unlucky ones who's sun rose at "midnight" or whatever.
The only way I'd agree to that is if they created 26 hour days so that everyone got a fair shot at seeing the sun. I don't think those abolitionists have any idea what lack of Vitamin D can do to a person.
No; obviously I'm not explaining this well.
As far as the "real day"—the natural day—is concerned, nothing would change. We would still get up in the morning, go to work while the sun is in the sky, come home in the evening, and sleep while it's dark.
What we would be doing is winding our clocks forward, so that the sun comes up 5pm, then we go to work at 9pm (which used to be the old 9am), work for 8 hours—until what is now 5am the next day (according to the calendar), then go home and watch the sun set around 7am.
Oh FFS. Is it really that confusing? It's like that UTS thing. I find THAT more confusing that times zones. Mind you I've been living with them all my life, we have always had family living away and friends overseas. But I don't understand some people's complete inability to comprehend it. Especially with smartphones with world time apps.
Oh FFS. Is it really that confusing?
No, it isn't. And it's certainly less idiotic than the proposed "solution".
That's why timezone-abolitionists can get fucked!
Oh yeh I used the phrase 'stuck pig' a lot too. But anyway regardless of the above, the Mirena is still the best thing since sliced bread in my eyes which just goes to show you how utterly crap my life was pre-coil
Post a Comment