Monday, 16 November 2015

You'd think I'd learn to just say "no" when people invite me to parties.

Hello, I'm back, and kicking things off with a spoOOoky Halloween themed post that's—what?—only a bit over two weeks out of date. This is probably going to be a bit of a theme around here for the foreseeable future, as I work through all of the notes marked "do a post about this" that I've accumulated over the last couple of months. I suspect I'm going to be making illustrations of things that happened in October, long into 2016.

In order to speed things up a bit, I may have to cut back on artistic quality even further. "Is that even possible?", you ask, looking back quizzically at some of the crap I've posted here in the past. Well, as you're about to witness, yes, yes it is. What I'm proposing is taking things to a Leunig or possibly even sub-Leunig level. I just wanted to put that out there, lest people think I've given up trying altogether. If complaints are forceful enough, I may consider reconsidering this approach.

And now, onto the subject at hand. Or not. Before we jump into what happened two weekends ago, allow me to take you back to the days before I had a blog of my own; when I used to hijack Melba's comment threads with my stupid stories. Coincidentally, this tale comes from (almost) Halloween of two years ago, so it's (almost) on theme. Besides which, it's important backstory for what comes later, so just trust me that you should read it first. I do know what I'm doing. Sometimes.

DISCLAIMER As usual, the names have been changed to protect … well, me.

🎃 27th OCTOBER 2013 🎃

So there's this bloke that I've done some work with and we're a bit chummy. Let's call him Marty. Marty's been with one woman his whole life. She has recently left him. Now he's looking for a replacement. In the meantime, to keep him company, Marty's rented a room to another work-friend. Let's call this one Sammo. Sammo swings both ways [EDIT FOR CLARITY: is bisexual] and has an incredibly filthy sense of humour with a mean, twisted, little barb on the end of it. He's also introduced Marty to recreational drugs.

Anyway, after quite a bit of effort, Marty's finally met a woman from his neighbourhood whom he considers a reasonable prospect. We'll call her Shirley. Marty's invited Shirley to a BBQ at his house. He's invited a bunch of other people too, but they've all said either no, maybe, or yes, but then cancelled. He's worried it's going to be himself, Shirley, Sammo and Sammo's boyfriend (Wozza) [EDIT: also bisexual], which would be awkward. So he asks me to come. I say no-thanks, but feel bad for the bloke, and allow myself to be talked around (It's a bit of a trip, so I'll be staying the night).

Marty puts on an absolute feast. Shirley turns up, WITH HER BOYFRIEND. There is one other woman there. I spend the whole night sitting between Shirley and the other woman—listening to them talk about their adorable little dogs and the pictures and videos of adorable little dogs they share on FaceBook—and then looking at pictures and videos of their adorable little dogs. Seriously. One subject. The whole fucking night.

After Shirley, her boyfriend and the other woman leave, Sammo and Wozza start absolutely taking the piss out of Marty.

Sammo: You reckon those two are rooting right now?
Wozza: You better believe it mate. Did you see the arse on her? I'd be hittin' that every chance I got.
Sammo: Fuckin' oath. I'm surprised we can't hear 'em from here.

And on and on. Marty gives a weak laugh, goes away for ten minutes and comes back smelling of weed. Sammo and Wozza continue.

Sammo: I'm so fuckin' glad I gave the weed away.
Wozza: Yeah, it fucks you up. Gives you all these stupid fuckin' plans and ideas that never materialise because they're all just fuckin' bullshit.

And on and on. I help with clean-up and go to bed.

This morning, I'm having breakfast with Marty and he starts asking me all this shit about "What did you think of Shirley?", "Do you really think she was that into the bloke she was with?", "Do you think she looked interested in me, at all?". I tell him not to be stupid and come home. End of story.

Moral: Fucked if I know. Be more forceful about saying "no" to things, maybe. [EDIT: If only I'd learned that lesson.]

Okay, cut to present day, and a few things have changed. Sammo has moved out of Marty's house, and Marty's new girlfriend—a woman whom we will be referring to as "Barb"—has moved in. Marty met Barb through Sammo. I will leave the importance of that detail up to reader discretion.

* Marty and I are chatting over work and Marty askes me if I want to come to a Halloween party at his place.
Me … Halloween party?
Marty Yeah.
Me … Like the fuckin' yanks have?
Marty Uh, yeah (laughs).
Me … With costumes and games and shit?
Marty Nah, none o' that shit. Just a barbie an' a few drinks an' a gasbag—y'know?
Me Yeahhhhh … I dunno mate. Y'know what I'm like at parties, ay?
Marty Yeah, yer great fun. C'mon. It's only gonna be us and a couple o' Barb's mates an' maybe Sammo at some point. Besides, Barb really wants ta meet'cha.
Me … … … ay?
Marty Well y'know, between Sammo 'n' me, she's heard a lot about'cha.
Me … Think that woulda turned most sensible people off, don'cha reckon? What kind of weirdo is this missus o' yours?
Marty (laughs)The kind you'll love, mate.
Barb ALEEEEEEX!!! Come have a seat over here, ay?
* It turns out Barb and her mates have things well underway by the time I get there. There's Brit & Beth, whom I don't get to know that well. They're on a bit of a different wavelength, I think.
Brit 'ja see what [insert name of person I've never heard of] put on FaceBook?
Beth 'ere, 'ava looka' this …
* Then there's Boo. I'm calling her that because she's a fat lesbian with a similar wit/charm/style to the Orange Is The New Black character. It turns out she's recently become interested in fitness, with a focus on strength and power training. She's already lost close to 40kg (go her). She's grounded and down-to-Earth. She holds her drink really, really well. I think we get on fine.
Boo I thought a fat skeleton would be kinda funny, y'know?
* Then, of course, there's Barb. Barb is, um … well, I'm open to theories.
Barb I don't think you're the only one lifting weights here Boo. My god Alex, look at these muscles.
Me … um …
Barb (shouting to Marty in the kitchen) Hey sweety, how's tea coming on!?
Marty Just making the salad now!
Me You wanna hand in there!
Marty Nah, she's right!
Barb Are all the decorations up out the front!?
Marty Yes dear!
Barb What about the sign!?
Marty Yes, it's up!
Barb You sure!? Kids won't know to come here if the sign's not up!
Marty I'm sure!
Barb Well, you were sure about the bloody rubber bats and you forgot those, didn't ya!? Why don'cha go out an' double check, ay!?
Marty Righto! On my way!
Barb (to me) Christ, they're only good for one thing, aren't they?
Barb You know you've got a really good body, don't you?
Me … um, thanks …
* Sammo & Wozza arrive …
* … and Marty serves tea.
Barb You put enough fuckin' dressing on this salad? Jesus Christ, I can barely fuckin' eat this shit.
Marty Sorry about that, hon', I apologise unreservedly.
Barb Don't go getting smart with me, mate. I'll fuckin' deck you.
Marty Yes dear, my lips are sealed.
* Of course, Marty has to keep getting up and going out the front to deal with trick-or-treaters.
Barb Oh god, this ice-cream's so fuckin' good. Here Alex, have a taste.
Me … Erm, I just had a big feed. Don't reckon I could handle dessert right now.
Barb Just have a taste, ay?
Me I'm right.
Barb C'mon.
Me … Um … righto … hang on.
Me Yeah, you're right, it's not bad, is it?
Sammo So, Beth, you still seeing Brian?
Beth Yeah. Dunno where it's going though.
Barb You fucked him yet?
Beth Nah.
Barb You gonna?
Beth I dunno.
Barb Christ, just get it over with. Once it's done, you can stop worrying about it.
* I get up to go to the toilet and Barb runs her hand over my hip as I pass. On my way back from the toilet, I meet Barb in the hall.
Barb Oh god, I love this song, don't you?
Marty I shoulda warned ya, Barb's got a real thing for country music.
Barb Excuse me. Did anyone ask for your fuckin' input here?
Marty No dear, acting on my own initiative.
Barb Yeah, well, ya know what kind o' trouble that can get you into. I need to take a piss, anyway.
* It isn't long after that, Barb passes out drunk.
* She doesn't get up for brekky the next morning. Marty says she isn't feeling well. Then he asks …
Marty What do you think of her?
Me … … … … … … Well … it's hard to judge someone when you've only met them once … when they were on the piss …
Marty Yeah, but still, whaddya reckon?
Me … … … She seems like … quite a character.
Marty Yeah (laughs) she's certainly that all right.

8 comments :

suze2000 said...

Well I am wondering what it is about you that screams grind on me to country music.

Either way, say yes to parties, but not to Marty's parties. :P

Alex said...

Well I am wondering what it is about you that screams grind on me to country music.

Well, whatever it is, I must have had it cranked up to full blast that night.

How have you been, Suze?

suze2000 said...

Not too bad, a bit tired and I have this odd itchy rash on my throat that I can't think of the cause for and doesn't respond to treatment (cortisone cream). We've planted out this summer's tomato seedlings and they are going great guns, and the first strawberry is ripening beautifully.

Alex said...

Ooh, sounds nasty. The rash, not the strawberries. The strawberries sound great. As do the tomatoes. I miss having home-ground food. Might have to see a quack if that rash doesn't clear up though. Especially combined with the fatigue—sometimes not a good idea to let these things drag on.

Melba said...

Big lol at Suze. Yes, what is it about you that says that Alex? My god. Barb a bit of a handful. And poor Marty: "yes dear." And I love the pic of Barb over the back of you with her wine glass and you with your cup of tea. More of these stories, and I like the way it's a comic!

Didn't we have a story about Sammo and Wozza before. Was one of them the porn ones? Sammo? Or someone different.

I'm going to a party tonight - a 40TH. It won't be anything like that, and I really don't want to go cause I've been out the last two nights, and then tonight, and then tomorrow night as well (family do) and really I just want to go to bed early and read and sleep. Also last night Clokes was snoring really badly and I got period cramps and had to sleep on the couch. That was a first.

Alex said...

More of these stories, and I like the way it's a comic!

That's good, because there's more on the way. It is a bit time consuming though; even with sketches this rough. I think there's over a dozen in this post.

Marty appeared to be taking everything with good humour, which only seemed to agitate Barb even more.

I think I've mentioned Sammo a couple of times before. I suspect he might have had something to do with that one Chinese bloke who told me he was looking for an Aussie wife before showing me a porno tape (you should remember—it freaked me out quite a bit at the time). On a side note, that same Chinese bloke was in town recently, and I was supposed to meet with him (business), but he cancelled for unspecified reasons.

Hope you enjoy the party tonight, even if you'd rather not go; you really have been busy lately, haven't you? Not good news about Clokes, especially if the problem starts recurring. I told you about the rellies I had who had separate bedrooms, didn't I? Hopefully it doesn't get to that stage.

suze2000 said...

I suspect it's not the sketches that take all the time but the HTML. No matter how simple it becomes, it's still time-consuming. That's why I don't HTML.

I think separate bedrooms might be the secret to some happy marriages. I see so many of my friends sleeping on the couch or moaning about their hubbies keeping them awake all night because of the snoring and I think "why don't they just set up the spare room so they can move if they need to?" (that's if there is a spare room, and if there isn't, maybe there needs to be!).

I am beginning to think the rash and the lack of sleep are related but sadly, that's not something I want to post about in a public forum (people IRL know who I am on Blogger and I just can't face people knowing how messed up my life is at the moment. Maybe I should create myself a new account so I can lay it all bare, anonymously). I'm pretty sure they are both stress related anyway. But I have found that taking sleeping tablets may help in the short term but in the long term, they make things worse - at least, in terms of sleeping. Mainly because when you run out or decide to come off them, you spend a week lying in bed staring at the ceiling before your body remembers what sleep is. All this experience is a result of all the cancer- and fat-inducing shift work that I do. Anyone coming into the Alfred Hospital should write me a letter of thanks. (and maybe send me $20 to go with to make up for the reduced life expectancy as well)

Alex said...

I have a habit of keeping track of how long things take me, so I know the lion's share of the time is going on the drawings. I'm still doing them left-handed, which doesn't help—but then again, at least I'm doing them—so I guess it sort of does.

Typing HTML is quicker for me than trying to fiddle with Blogger's graphical layout tool. Especially since I can use ♥EMACS♥ to auto-insert tags and stuff.

Actually, if I remember correctly, the first time I talked to Melba about my rellies with the separate rooms, she said she liked the idea (and we joked about how those particular rellies still managed to have about a dozen kids). With Princess going off to uni, this might be the time to think about fallback sleeping arrangements.

I find having an online identity that's completely disconnected from my real-life identity to be fantastic. There's a bit of a trade off in that I'll never be able to meet up with any of my online friends, but it allows me to get personal in a way that I would never ever do with people who could pick me out of a lineup.

I dunno what your health issues are Suze, but look after yourself, 'ay? At the end of the day, your body's one of the most valuable things you've got.

On that note; I'm sure you've heard me say this a billion times already, but I think it's worth repeating: Exercise really can do wonders for your health. Also, Melba's Vitamin D thing seems to be helping. And cutting out sugar might not be a bad idea. Okay, I'll stop now.