Eurovision 2017

Since 40 fucking Youtube videos is a lot to load, I'm sticking a "jump break" in this post. Click on the title to read more.

WARNING: Because I am lazy, a lot of this page gets assembled with Javascript on the fly. Therefore, it will break badly if you don't have Javascript enabled.

Yes, it's finally here and only … what? two weeks late? Just in time for everyone to have COMPLETELY stopped caring. Anyway, what a year it was, 'ay? We had the Russian entry banned from coming into the host country; we had the return of living internet meme "Epic Sax Guy"; we had the return of Rutslana (Ruslana? Roslana?), whom I haven't seen since the last time Ukraine won (it was depressing to see how much she's aged); and finally, we had some cunt in an Aussie flag dropping his dacks on the stage.

What more could you ask for? Some decent songs, you say? Well, let's jump in and see what we ended up with, shall we. NOTE: To jump directly to a particular country, click on its flag below.

I think this sheila was trying to channel Conchita, from a few years back. She definitely had the James-Bond-y style of song going. Still felt like it was missing something though. A beard, perhaps?

I can't decide whether this one was meant to be wearing a wedding dress or not—and if that somehow related to the ships and clocks and shit that were flying around in the background. Oh yeah, the song was pretty bland.

I'm used to my favourites not going through, but I've no idea how this one dipped out. An effeminate muscle-man in a body-stocking hip-thrusting to some catchy vaguely-disco-y music while singing about his rocket ship—this was pure fuckin' Eurovision! Oh, and whipping his ponytail around like a lasso should have sealed the deal, as far as I'm concerned.

I could almost describe this song as pretty. Almost. As it was, waiting to see if the piano burst into flames was the only thing that kept me awake.

This one had a distinct Kylie Minogue vibe to it. By which I mean, Kylie from thirty odd years ago; I haven't got a clue what Kylie looks and sounds like these days. I really liked the chorus-y bits of this, but wasn't so keen on all the non-chorus-y bits. It was still better than some of the crap that went through to the final, though.

I guess really dull lounge music was popular in the Czech Republic this year? I can't say I'm sad that this one didn't make it. I do absolutely love the outfit though. I dunno where I'd wear it; maybe just around the house?

While there's nothing technically wrong with this song, havin' a bloke in a suit standing on a stage singing like this stands out about as much as beige wallpaper at a Eurovision contest. The least he coulda done is have some blokes in their undies wrestling in the background or something.

This sounded like the kind of music I listen to when I need to concentrate on writing computer code or something. Probably could have used a little more variety in the lyrics department though.

Another quasi-wedding-dressy-thing? I quite liked this one. Even before the dancer turned up. Mind you, he didn't make things worse.

When you were young, did you ever have that one mate who was self-conscious about being tall, gangly and awkward; but then, every so often she'd get plastered and let loose trying to dance like the sexiest thing on the planet? This reminded me of that. Loved the song though. In fact, this was my pick from the whole contest … so no surprise that it didn't go through.

The white dresses continue. Another song which wasn't bad, but wasn't doing much to stand out from the crowd either.

This kid sounded like the singing lips from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I loved. Unfortunately, the song didn't have much else going for it.

San Marino have only been in the contest for a few years now, but they've had some really fun entries. While I wouldn't have voted for this one, it's hard not to smile while you watch it. Good stuff.

Another fairly decent act that didn't make the cut. Just wait until you see the shit that did get through.

I can't say I shed too many tears over this one though. The first bit sounds promising, but then when you hear what it builds up to … blech. Also, the singer keeps giving the audience "the forks". Dunno what that's supposed to signify in Lithuania. Maybe she knew she wasn't going through.

Must be time for another white dress. Also, I think the bloke is the same fella who sang for Slovenia; lazy bugger didn't even change his clothes. Catchy little number though. I can see myself playing this in the future.

Christ, has Israel had a decent song since Dana International? I suppose the chorus-y bits of this weren't too horrible, but there's not much else I can say for it.

Yet another white dress; or most of one, anyway. I feel very "meh" about poland this year, to tell you the truth. I certainly wouldn't have voted it through, that's for sure.

A couple of adorable young things putting on a fun little stage show. It'd warm your heart if the song wasn't mostly as annoying as shit.

This one irritated me immensely for some reason. I kept hoping the tool would jump up and conk his noggin on the top of his wanky crescent disco-moon. I was left disappointed.

This song felt like it was continuously building, but then never went anywhere. The dancers were excellent though.

I can certainly see why this would appeal to some people; I'm just not one of them, I'm afraid.

"Epic Sax Guy" returns, albeit in a much less epic performance. Also, there's no beating around the bush with this one—that's definitely three wedding dresses on stage. I think this was my mum's favourite.

I really liked this one, up until the cunt started trying to rap.

If you turn the sound off, this sort of looks like a Wiggles concert. It's a damn catchy tune though. I've found myself humming it a few times.

Not the best song of the competition, but definitely the best Aussie performance. Thumbs up for Denmark from me; even if Europe didn't like it.

I was shocked when Tiny Tim here won it. If you listen closely, there's at least one brief part where he sounds just like Kermit The Frog singing in Portuguese. Still, it could have been worse; it could have been bloody Spain.

The weird-as-fuck stage show was probably what got this through, but I didn't think the song was that bad, to tell you the truth.

This bloke was obviously a super-talented singer. It's just a shame the song was so … poxy.

Fuckin' shithouse. Wake up to yourself Australia.

I didn't mind this one. A solid entry from Greece, with a couple of solid dancers.

Oh, go fuck yourself Spain. This was pathetic and you know it.

I thought gluing LED lights to a welding mask was an interesting idea. Also, it was a bit weird that part of the chorus was "I, I, I wanna kill, kill, kill". A pity the final product ended up being considerably less than the sum of its parts.

Once again the UK enters a dismally average song that goes over like a wet fart. The Poms are on form about as much as the Israelis.

I thought this one sounded promising to start off with, and it was … alright … I s'pose. The stage show was pretty dumb though.

Did I say Montenegro was the most Eurovision-y act this year? I must have misspoke. As much as I don't like hip-hop, I think this one will always have a place in my heart.

I'm sure there was the makings of a decent song buried in there somewhere; it's just a pity it didn't get anywhere near the stage.

Obviously Ukraine didn't want to run the risk of having to host this thing two years running. Well played, Ukraine.

I fuckin' love this one. Not so much the first time I heard it, but it's grown on me more and more ever since. Already on regular rotation at my place.

I probably woulda given this one a higher score if it wasn't so bloody repetitive. As it is, it manages to wear out its welcome in under three minutes.

I couldn't believe how well this one did. Who votes for something like this?

Meh. Meh. Meh.

So, let's have a look at how Alexistan allocated its points, compared to how well those countries actually did:

My Points

Place

Hmmm, half of them failed to qualify (including three out of four of my top picks), and only two of them made the top ten. Better luck next year, I suppose. See you then, Eurovisioners. Hopefully I can get the next one out in a more timely fashion.