Come On, Nippon!

Holy crap, look who's playing for England!

I said I was going to try to get into the women's world cup this year, and despite the fact that I've watched much of it with my eyes closed, I have persisted.

All that's left now are the finals. The Krauts disappointed me greatly by folding against the Yanks, but they can still take third if they manage to overcome the Poms — which probably shouldn't be that hard, considering how demoralised the Pom's will be after losing to the Japs at the last minute by way of a spectacular own-goal.

Seriously, this was the highlight of the tournament for me. On the one hand, I obviously wanted to see England lose, but on the other, that poor girl was so devastated by her mistake that she had to be carried off the pitch. And then the commentators started talking about the kind of scorn and ridicule she can look forward to in the media and online for the next couple of weeks. It was heart-breaking.

Oh, and speaking of the commentators, I've got a bone to pick with SBS on this one. For most of the matches, the in-game commentary has obviously been provided by some third party. I don't know if it's come from a British broadcaster or if it's some sort of official English language thing from FIFA, but it's basically just been some bloke with a Pommy accent, on his lonesome, giving a fairly straightforward rundown of the action. Quite frankly, it's been a little dull. Now, I can accept that not hiring a commentary team might be a way for SBS to save a few quid — that's perfectly reasonable … However … Before, after, and in the half-time break of a lot of the matches, they'll cut to a panel of three women who go over the particulars of the match — players, coaches, strategy, highlights, history — give a little expert insight, etc; all in a conversational, jovial, free-flowing, and generally entertaining fashion.

So, here's the thing. If these women are knowledgeable about the game, and clearly they are, and you're going to pay them to come into a studio, and sit on a panel, and watch the game, AND THEN talk about it — why not just get them to commentate the fuckin' thing?

Look, maybe I can't remember any of their names, but I've seen and heard enough of them now to know that they've got what it takes to be a shit-hot commentary team …

You've got the warm one, the personable one, the centrist, the every-woman; with all of her nice dresses and the hair and make-up that changes dramatically from game to game. She takes the role of the moderator and makes sure everything keeps moving and doesn't run off the rails.

Then there's the dry one, with her sensible shirt and sensible hair, who can go on and on forever about history and strategy and technical aspects like field arrangements and other esoteric bullshit that I can't remember and don't really understand.

And finally, the colourful one, with her wacky clothes and wacky hair, who brings a touch of fun to the crew. She cracks jokes and throws around nicknames and says stuff like "unrelentless" and "I could never barrack for the United States".

Bless her.

She also looks a bit like the offspring of Ian Thorpe and Christine Legarde, but that's neither here nor there.

+ ≈ ¿

And speaking of not being able to back the Yanks, that brings me back to the fact that Japan are now the only thing that stands between them and the championship.

… Obviously, I have one thought, going into the final match …

DON'T FUCK IT UP, JAPAN — YOU'RE ALL I HAVE LEFT!