Which means I'm not a normal woman. Not if that's an indicator, anyway. I can't think of anyone outside my family right now that I'd want to talk to about personal shit; and if I talk to someone in the family, I know it's just a matter of time before it gets back to my folks. It's not that I couldn't talk to my folks about anything (Theoretically. I guess.), but I want them to enjoy their last years as much as possible, without having to concern themselves, or even be aware of, the silly fucking concerns of their silly fucking reprobate daughter.
So, Melbs ... that pretty much leaves you. You're an intelligent, thoughtful, and understanding enough person that I feel like I can have a (semi) serious chat (don't want to get too maudlin here) with you, and you're removed enough from my regular life, that I feel like it could be about pretty much anything (Except maybe some of the older stuff. Maybe. But that's not important right now). Sorry to spring this on you, but this may be the point where this blog jumps the shark and turns into a much more pathetic and less well written version of Perseus' posts about his romantic misadventures. Or not.
Continue at your peril!
BACKGROUND:
You remember Sammo (I think that was the name I used)? He's the bloke I sometimes work with, who has a really mean, sleazy sense of humour.
And you remember a while back that I mentioned some dealings with a Chinese fella who's been expanding his business into Australia?
Well ...
You remember Sammo (I think that was the name I used)? He's the bloke I sometimes work with, who has a really mean, sleazy sense of humour.
And you remember a while back that I mentioned some dealings with a Chinese fella who's been expanding his business into Australia?
Well ...
Last night, I go over to the Chinese bloke's room for a quiet tea consisting of meat, salad, and some shop talk.
He starts by offering me a type of beer I've never seen before, with a label I can't read. I hold up my tea pot in response ...
He starts by offering me a type of beer I've never seen before, with a label I can't read. I hold up my tea pot in response ...
ME: Ta, but nah thanks. I reckon I'm pretty right, 'ay. I might pinch ya kettle but.
HIM: So, Alex, have you got marry since the last time I see you?
ME: ...... aaaaaahhhhh, no. How 'bout you?
HIM: No, but I looking.
ME: ...... um, haven't found anyone then, 'ay?
HIM: No, not in China. I think is better to look in Australia. Much better women here, you know?
ME: ..... um, issat right? ... um, like how d'ya mean?
HIM: I don't know how to describe it. Maybe is just like personal taste, you know? But like, I enjoy the company more than with Chinese girl, you know?
ME: Well, um, a good lookin' bloke like you shouldn't have trouble findin' someone decent, 'ay? {I should introduce him to Tanya. Yeah, no I shouldn't}
HIM: You think so?
ME: Yeah. No worries.
We spend a few hours discussing stuff like the infrastructure his business uses to circumvent the great firewall, and if it can be done better, cheaper, more securely, etc. I think he drinks about a sixpack in that time.
Then he starts asking me about little maintenance issues with his laptop. Why can't I do so-and-so; when I do this, I get that message; can I make it do such-and-such; etc, etc. At some point, I fix a codec problem with his media player and he starts playing music. It sounds like a fairly generic mix of greatest hits type stuff. He rolls a joint and lights it up. He offers it to me but I shake my head.
Then he starts asking me about little maintenance issues with his laptop. Why can't I do so-and-so; when I do this, I get that message; can I make it do such-and-such; etc, etc. At some point, I fix a codec problem with his media player and he starts playing music. It sounds like a fairly generic mix of greatest hits type stuff. He rolls a joint and lights it up. He offers it to me but I shake my head.
HIM: I can't believe you. You don't drink and you don't smoke. How do you, like ahhh, relax and unwind?
ME: ... I guess I'm generally, um, relaxed enough, 'ay?
HIM: Yeah, you a pretty cool chick, 'ay?
Laughing
HIM: I think I need you.
ME: .... ?
HIM: I think you come and work for me. Just for computer. Because I'm so bad with computer, you know?
ME: I dunno. Most of this shit's in Chinese. I dunno what any of it means. I'm really just fumbling around.
HIM: Don't worry about that. I teach you. Is easy. If I learn English, you can learn Chinese. Oh wait, look at this ...
He clicks on a folder, and a bunch of porno images with little "play" icons pop up. He clicks on one and the video starts to play over the top of Red Hot Chili Peppers "Suck My Kiss" (I don't know if that's the proper title, but you know the song.)
HIM: You see this? Seemore give me all this porno movie. He say that most of it come from you. That you really like the porno movie.
ME: ... Wait, who?
HIM: Say-more.
ME: Say ... more?
HIM: Say ... mo?
ME: ... Oh, fuckin' Sammo ... yeah, that'd be right. {I'd be amazed if the cunt didn't also say that I'm a raging nymphomaniac who roots multiple blokes at once and proselytises the wonders of double penetration. ... Oh fuck, I just said "that'd be right", implying that I did give Sammo all that porno? Shit, do I get all serious and set the record straight here, or just laugh it off?}
HIM: Some of it is very strange. Is just a man with another man. I don't like that, you know. But some of it is very good. Before, I only see Japanese porno movie with Asian girl. Australian girl is much better, you know?
ME: Oh, um, right ...
On the screen, a sheila is vigorously riding a bloke atop one of those big exercise balls. *boing, boing, boing*
HIM: So, what kind of man do you like?
ME: ............... {Quick, buy some time by making an umm noise} ummmmmmmm {The fuck? Is this chit-chat because he thinks I'm into porn? Does he think I asked Sammo to give him that porn because I'm interested in him? Is he interested in me? Why (can't be looks or charm)? If so, to what end? Is he thinking of a one-night thing or something more? Is that what the job shit was about? But what about the marriage shit? Is he chasing a sham-marriage with an Aussie? If so, would that be so bad? What would I stand to gain? What are the risks? What would I have to do? He's not a bad looker. Seems all right. That stupid bloody author woman says to just put the canoe in the water and paddle. How would that go? Am I a person of low moral fibre for even considering it? Or that my mind went there when it wasn't even really being offered? Maybe I should introduce him to Tanya. The fuck is wrong with me? Shouldn't I have figured some of this out by now? Maybe it's a cultural divide. Maybe I'm over-thinking things because I'm sober. *boing, boing, boing*. Wait, are those two still shagging on that exercise ball? Holy fuck, is Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" playing? Jezus Christ. Shit, I haven't answered yet ... } mmm ...
I look up and realise I've been staring at the screen and he's been staring at me. *boing, boing, boing*
ME: ... um, Yeah. That's a hard one to answer. Actually, did you hear that one of our federal MPs got asked that question on radio?
HIM: No?
ME: Yeah, she reckons she wanted a bloke with a big dick an' lotsa money.
HIM: Really? She say that on the radio?
ME: Yeah. Media had a field day with it. {Nice sidestep, Alex}
HIM: So, you also like man with really big dick?
ME: {Oh fuck, where does this end?}
Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh. The bloke on the screen starts wanking off into the sheila's mouth.
ME: {Fuckin' hell} Ha, ha. Well, ah, doesn't everyone, 'ay? But, um, well, um, anyway, she was from the Palmer Party. Y'know, the ones who called the Chinese a pack of communist mongrels who shoot their own, or whatever it was. She's actually the one that, um, reckoned that we need missiles here to fend off a possible invasion, y'know? That get much press over there?
HIM: Meh. It got some press, but I don't think there is that much concern. Besides, it's a complicated issue, and not all of what she say is wrong ...
The conversation mercifully swings away from penis size, and there is no more porn movies or talk of job offers or marriage for the evening.
But who knows what the next few weeks have in store? Which is why I encourage you to do your own analysis of this fucking oddball evening and let me know what the fuck you think was going on. Hopefully, the only issue here is in my head. But while it's in my head, it's still an issue. And I need outside input. Do you think a male perspective would help? Or a Chinese one? Do you know anyone who might know?
Basically, I'm shit at dealing with people.
Also, I saw a scrub turkey.
 |
| Gobble, gobble, gobble* |
20 comments :
As an extra point of info: He must of taken about thirty photos of me over the course of the night.
Is that strange?
Okay, so after a good night's sleep, I'm deciding that this was all harmless, and I was getting worked up over nothing.
I'm not sure whether I should delete this post and the comment I left at your place, or leave it as a reminder not to post when I'm in a flap.
NO DON'T DELETE IT, AM HERE AND REPLYING NOW!
OKAY:
I was pretty 'wow' while reading this, I have to say. I think it was more the porn playing while you are having this convo than anything else. Have you and he watched porn together before? Have you watched porn with other work people? Is this something that is standard? If so, then whatever, but it's not standard in my world, I would consider it significant. BUT you might be 'one of the guys'(remember I thought you were a guy for like 6 months, I still cringe when I think of that).
The talk about marriage, could be sussing you out, sussing out your position on marrying for visa. And either to make an approach to you or ask if you know anyone. NOT TANYA.
The talk about sex and dicks and stuff, I dunno. He might be again talking about that from sincere curiosity, trying to work things out culturally. Chinese sex culture is very different, and if it's anything like Japanese attitudes and mores towards sex, like so fucking different like from another planet.
If he's heard about your background, either in the context of 'yeah Alex used to distribute porn' or 'Alex used to be x y or z' say from Sammo, then who knows.
When you said he offered you a beer, I was worried this was going to be a roofie story. I'm so glad it wasn't.
Sounds to me, on the surface of it, that he was making a play, either for sex or marriage or both.
Yes, taking 30 pics of you over the night is strange.
Did any of this make you think: hey, I need to say something. I don't like it. How did you feel when he was taking the pics. Do you want to fuck him? This is ok if so, but if not, if you felt weirded out and that boundaries were being crossed, then that's something else.
I'm so glad you feel you can talk to me. It makes me want to meet you but then the 'magic' could be broken.
A male perspective might help and a Chinese one might too. I don't know any Chinese dudes or girls, but my husband does at work. Happy to suss that out? We could work up a differently worded piece of prose (so he couldn't do a text search on internet and find this blog) and get my husband to get some feedback if you like? Also happy to see what Clokes thinks, from a male Italian perspective. But then again, he/the Chinese guy(s) at his work wouldn't have any context. Ie that Sammo told Chinese dude you were into porn in the old days.
NOT TANYA
Okay, good. Believe it or not, there was a tiny fraction of me that was still playing with that idea.
I was worried this was going to be a roofie story. I'm so glad it wasn't.
Shit, so am I.
How did you feel when he was taking the pics.
Confused and horribly uncomfortable. I don't much enjoy getting my picture taken by anyone except, like, my mum and stuff; but I have this sense now that everybody is taking photos of everything all the time, and maybe the way I feel is uptight and out of place. Also, I've heard that some Japanese are mad about taking photos (even by today's standards) and I thought maybe this might have been a Chinese thing too.
Have you and he watched porn together before?
No. Nor has the topic ever even come up. But Sammo is the kind of bloke who sets porn as other people's desktop background for a joke. He probably took the guy out to a strip club on the first day they met; hell, he might've even taken him to a brothel, for all I know; I certainly wouldn't put it past him. Meh, I guess it's probably an effective bonding technique.
Do you want to fuck him?
This is the tricky bit. No. No I don't. I haven't wanted to physically fuck anyone in a long while. There's no urge, no bodily reaction, no lubrication, etc. But I couldn't help but think that if I was a bit younger, and everything was working like it used to, and I'd had a couple of beers, then maybe, I probably would. And then everything might have been good. And all of a sudden I've got bloody Bettina Arndt in my head, rabbiting on about how, if you force yourself into it, you'll probably end up enjoying it anyway. And then I'm wondering if it's worth doing it purely as a financial gamble. But then that's quite a risk, isn't it? And it pretty much makes me a whore, doesn't it? Is that so bad?
And of course, all this is bouncing around in my head in the five seconds it takes me to figure out what to say. And then I spend all of Sunday being haunted by my own thoughts. And to be honest, I still haven't come to any concrete conclusions. Do you have an opinion on this? If you were single with no kids, would you fuck someone for profit? Or possibly even marry them? I feel like my moral compass must be broken to even be asking these questions.
Thanks for the sympathetic ear, though. Very much appreciated. On Sunday, I would have jumped at your offer to get Clokes and his workmate involved, but now that I've simmered down, I think it's probably too much of an imposition. Hell, on Sunday I was even considering seeing if I could contact Perseus for a male perspective. I wonder if I should point Squib over here to get her take on this? It's funny how this feels like a private space, even though it's technically all totally public.
Ok well if you were feeling really invaded with the pics then that's over the line, and needed to stop. It makes me think that you are someone who doesn't want to offend (for cultural reasons, whatever) and that's not how I see you. I know it can be hard to say: Hang on, what's going on, I don't like this, sorry. Can you stop taking photos of me, it makes me uncomfortable, but you would have had every right to say all of that.
If you didn't want to fuck him that's fine, and even if you don't want to and you do, that's fine as well, as long as you want to, it doesn't matter whether five seconds before you didn't, but you've changed your mind, or if you did have some drink and changed your mind. That's nobody's business but yours. As for the questions around sex and money, I don't have a problem with that. I did turn down $1000 in Japan for sex with a Japanese boss but I was married and in love and if I'd been single, would possibly have seen it differently. I get being cold-blooded about sex, and don't judge. I've had casual fucks, I don't think it matters as long as it's consensual and you're prepared to suck up any consequences (by you I mean we).
And Bettina fucking Arndt; she's talking about bored exhausted resentful wives and long-term partners making themselves have sex and then they'll usually end up enjoying it, as a way of stopping them from 'withholding' sex from their men. which is bullshit. I hate Bettina Arndt, she's all about poor men.
So. Now that you've had time to calm down, you can decide what your options are should this arise again. The money thing: I don't think you've explained how that comes into it. Did he offer you money? Is there the suggestion of him paying to marry? For a visa I'm guessing, was that at all discussed? He might be bullshitting, saying Australian women are better than Chinese women (in the sack, less hung up) and yeah maybe but there's definitely one thing Australian women have that Chinese nationals don't: residency.
I don't think it makes anyone a whore - that sort of thing. Sex work is completely different, and not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's different to anything I think you're talking about.
I always assumed you were making good dosh, not sure why. Technology. Travelling.
Glad I was able to help, keep talking if you want, or anytime.
Re squib. I don't know, I thought you had the link on my blog a way back... It's up to you of course if you want to give it to her.
I have sufficient income to keep myself comfortably, but my folks are getting old, and they're probably going to need care at some point. The brothers all have families and debt, so I'm not counting on them for much. And I kind of feel guilty that I pissed away a lot of time and potential in my youth.
But! ... as you say, there was no offer of money. There was that quasi job offer, and I was thinking that if he was angling for a wife, there'd be money in that; but the more I think about it, the more I realise how silly it would be to go down that path, even if I did have an overt verbal offer (which I don't!). The potential for things to go horribly wrong is far too great.
I don't think I can remember the last time I was apprehensive about going to someone's place, after hours, to talk about work related stuff. Quite often there's gear that needs to be looked at, or whatnot; and y'know, tradies go around to the homes of people they've never even met, right? Also, I suppose that since I'm not feeling sexual urges anymore, I don't really think about other people being sexually attracted to me. Seriously, the last time a bloke approached me in a pub (around ANZAC day), it was to tell me that ugly dykes weren't welcome there. So, having things go down that route (assuming that's even what it was) took me by surprise. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe he was thinking that I wouldn't have come over for tea on a Saturday night if I wasn't open to something more? Maybe, to some extent, I'm mistakenly thinking of myself as 'just one of the guys'.
The more I talk to you on this, the more clarity I feel. And since I've now made up my mind on what I will and won't be doing, I'm no longer concerned with the direction things take or what propositions arise. My angst has evaporated, and there won't be any need to bother Clokes with this. Thanks Melbs. I guess I just needed to not be alone in a vacuum with my own thoughts. You're a good friend. Let me know if you ever need the favour returned.
Alex I meant to say ages ago that I loved your intro to this, and really like that you feel you can talk to me. Maybe I said something like that above, but I wanted to say it again. I think being internet friends also removes a lot of *something* from the equation, whether that's inhibition or something else I don't know, but free back and forth can be really helpful when trying to work things out I guess. There is also lack of judgement which is good. If you were to go to past stuff, I'm confident I'd be better than most people at trying to see all perspectives and managing to find empathy or understanding, if not approval.
Also I meant to say this: excellent bush turkey!
Oh and now I've realised I didn't respond to your comment above.
What a fucking rude bastard, the ANZAC story. Reminds me of walking along Bourke Street in the city with Clokes a couple of years ago, and there was an open bar thing on the street, and two dickheads making catcall/complimentary comments on young women walking past. I smiled to myself as we walked past - thinking you dickheads - and one saw my smile and said 'Not you!' meaning the comments were not about me. I wanted to go and pull up a seat and explain to him that I knew the catcalls weren't about me; that I was smiling because he was such a dickhead. But we continued on our way. It stung that he could possibly think I could possibly think he was talking about me. I mean I'm not bad but I'm not horrific. These men have such entitlement, to be able to see their world and make proclamations. The word entitlement is one that's been visiting me the last few days.
Re your parents, I can imagine how it would feel, that you are the one who will likely shoulder responsibility for them as they age. As for feeling guilty about pissing youth and time and potential away: haven't we all? Go easy on yourself about that as well, ok?
You might be onto something about visiting the guy's room after hours. We can think we are 'one of the guys' or not being thought of in a certain way and get it completely wrong. Not saying there's any blame there, but seriously, sometimes people can have really skewed views of each other, and the way we are thinking about something is the opposite of the way *they* are thinking about something.
SO GLAD THE ANGST HAS EVAPORATED
I love our chats. Really. I count you as a better friend than many of my face-to-face friends. (Note I don't say IRL because to me, you are IRL!)
Hope you're having a good weekend. We have sunshine and it's given me energy to spring clean. Also Princess turns 18 on Friday and we are having family dinner that night and a gathering of her friends on the weekend. I don't want to embarrass her with a tip of a house.
You're right, "face-to-face" makes much more sense than "in-real-life". Despite the fact that we've never met in person (and, as you say, maybe partly because of it), you have become the person I feel most comfortable in talking things over with. I shall be switching to using that term from now on, I think.
Catcalls and wolf-whistles and lewd comments; when I was younger I could shrug them off, or laugh at them, or play up to them, or go off at them, depending on mood and circumstance. Nowadays, like with a lot of things, I can usually barely muster interest. It's a sort of numbness, I guess. There are exceptions though. A few years ago, I saw some young fellas shouting racist shit at some asian women, and my first impulse was to start swinging. I ended up trying to tell them off, but it all felt a bit pathetic. As you say, entitlement.
The ANZAC day incident, I had to be very discreet about how I handled that one. I was there with brothers and didn't want a bloodbath. We'd had a close call the day before when my dad started abusing a fella whose dog had left a massive shit on the beach near where the grandkids were playing.
There was a time when I looked at bush turkeys and saw a meal on legs. Now it's like catching up with an old friend.
And happy birthday to Princess. She's not celebrating by going out and getting blind rotten drunk then, I take it?
hmmmm I have to say I think he's just your average sleazeball (who might also be interested in aussie citizenship). I'd say he thinks you are your average promiscuous Western woman. I'd say you need to make it very clear that you are seeing someone else. Since you have to work with him. Make up some dude you have fallen madly in love with. That usually works. Trust me, you don't want a sham marriage or whatever is on offer. Anyway, if he was that loaded, he would be able to get into oz via a business visa. Maybe he knows someone who wants a sham marriage and hence all the pics? Anyway, steer well clear!!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Squib. I never even considered that he might be sizing me up for someone else, but now that you say it, it seems like a pretty obvious conclusion. I don't know how I'd go making up a beau and bullshitting about them. If somebody got curious and started asking questions, I might fuck up the details. But it's a good suggestion, and a welcome option, if I need it. Hopefully, a hint has been taken, and I won't need it.
Trust me, you don't want a sham marriage or whatever is on offer.
Have you been in that kind of situation or know somebody who has?
Yes, guy I was going to marry years back in the UK. Turned out he was already married in order to get residency. Which really messed things up since we had a kid and the dates didn't add up in terms of getting our own visas together
Had a happy ending though because it took so long to sort mess out that I finally woke up to the fact he was a major fuckwit and hence did not marry him
Wow, Squib, that's really something.
Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and experience.
Wisdom is stretching it a bit :)
BTW when I said major fuckwit I didn't mean to sound still-bitter- and-twisted-bout-my-ex. I was just stating a fact in a Spock-like manner. I honestly don't have any residual resentment and I think it's weird when people still bitch about their exes after a long period of time
No, I get it.
This is going off in a bit of a different direction, but I sometimes wonder how reasonable people (including myself) can have a relationship with someone for a non-insignificant amount of time without realising how much of a fuckwit said someone is. Especially when it seems so obvious after the fact.
It's even more mind boggling when you find you've had their kid!
I guess the thing about having kids is that, mostly, all you have to do is stop trying to not have them and ... bam.
I can't remember ever hearing you talk about custody/visitation issues or anything, so I'm guessing at least that aspect hasn't haunted you?
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